Contradictions

Contradictions do not exist.

Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction,

check your premises.

You will find that one of them is wrong

~Ayn Rand

re: I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.

In my last post one of my secrets was: "I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not."

I knowwww that it is not a decision. I really, really get that.

But right now while he definitely is gay, he is not acting gay in the truest sense of the word. And while he has pledged to remain committed to our marriage, is that fair to ask of him? Is it even fair to ask him to stay married?

I really don't believe that people should sacrifice any part of themselves for another person.

Let me change secret #18 to this: "I wish that Eddy would embrace himself as a gay person, whatever that means, love himself, and experience what life is supposed to be for him." or the short version "I wish that Eddy would be happy."

But it is not that so easy.

The terribly boring secrets of a pastor's wife.

In honor of turning 40 this summer, here are 40 secrets about me:

1. I am afraid of losing weight because I think that it will turn me into a slut.
2. At least once a year, I buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple, and throw the rest of the pack away.
3. I can't stand not being the boss at work because I think that I could do everything better.
4. I am afraid that if I enforce the rules at work (the library) that people (that I don't even care about) won't like me.
5. I wish that I could just stop going to church altogether.
6. I am afraid of not believing in God.
7. I don't believe in God.
8. I don't believe in anything supernatural.
9. I feel like I can't help but believe in God.
10. I love it when I am sick.
11. I wish that we would have more children, but I am afraid that they would be psychotic .
12. Sometimes when Eddy is snoring and I can't fall asleep, I fantasize about smothering him with his pillow.
13. I feel like a loser because I don't make as much money as I used to and have been unable to break back into my former profession.
14. I wish that I didn't have to work for a living.
15. I wish that our cat would run away . . . or something.
16. I can't stop buying new notebooks.
17. I keep starting new blogs.
18. I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.
19. I love my hair.
20. I really hate baby boomers.
21. I am terrified of what will happen once the "Greatest Generation" is extinct.
22. I wish that I had gone to seminary for an M.Div. and ordination when Eddy did.
23. I am afraid that I will die a penniless homeless person.
24. I keep dreaming that I am trying to go somewhere.
25. I love Eddy just as much as I did before he told me that he is gay, maybe more.
26. I wish that I had my own bedroom.
27. I think that my parents are FUBAR.
28. I am always afraid that I am about to be fired.
29. I love to throw up. I think about it all of the time. (I haven't done it in years).
30. Sometimes, I am attracted to women.
31. I just can't believe that I am really going to die some day.
32. Sometimes during church, I fantasize about streaking during the sermon.
33. I absolutely hate doing altar guild (setting out and cleaning up communion).
34. Sometimes I wish that the world would just blow up already.
35. I have never had sex with a straight man.
36. I often have the urge to shoplift (I have only done it twice).
37. Spending money makes me feel safe.
38. I don't trust men, especially straight men.
39. I drive wayyyy over the speed limit on the freeway.
40. ?????????????????

To Bella

(Bella left a comment to the linked blog [click on title above], but not her email address).

Hi Bella,

I sort of know how you feel. Sometimes, you feel like you are the butt of a 14 year practical joke . . . you know, like when someone tapes a "kick me" sign to your back. Everyone (or at least a pretty important someone) knew something and didn't let you in on the big secret. In some strange way it is humiliating. It is hard to explain, but I think that you know what I mean.

The best advice that I can give you is to check out the wivesofbigayhusbands website on yahoo. It is extremely active (over 300 new messages this week). It seems like there is at least one new person every week. It is extremely supportive. You could probably find someone near you on it. I think there is a phone list as well.

There is also straight spouse network. They post information on local groups.

Take care,

B