tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-266029432024-03-23T13:52:37.319-04:00sh-OUT<b>Five years ago, my husband came out to me. What does this mean?</b>Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.comBlogger54125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-64340429242832960282012-10-17T00:02:00.002-04:002012-10-17T00:02:21.860-04:00where am i?can't believe it's been three years since i last posted here! and seven years since i started this blog!
life isn't perfect, but it's not the roller-coaster that it was. grief lingers, but is not all-consuming.
we are still good friends and talk almost every day. although our marriage did not survive, we are still here.
obviously, i haven't been around - but you can find me here: http://Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-9636547086985921012009-10-13T23:31:00.002-04:002009-10-13T23:38:57.123-04:00moved outmoved outin augustno one (from his church)has figured it out yetthat i know ofserves them righttwo weeks until it's finalfeels like i'm ripping in twoand somehow it feels betteri commented on his last postbut he deleted itwhateverHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-65058231267604414042009-04-18T22:43:00.001-04:002009-04-18T22:45:19.521-04:00nobodyi just asked if i could get him anything and he says, "a gun, so i can shoot myself. i just f#$&#*g want to die. nobody cares."i guess that makes me nobody.i'm glad that i know better :)how long can i live like this?Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-41952076525007102372009-02-21T17:40:00.001-05:002009-02-21T17:43:21.120-05:00Anginae Has Me Thinking About Sex With A Gay ManI've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy. I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever. I think it would depress me. Maybe not. Maybe I should be more Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-80741960983648556682008-12-14T22:39:00.000-05:002008-12-14T22:40:45.270-05:00sleeping with a gay manMonths ago . . . Eddy had a headache as we were going to bed and said, "I wish that someone would take my brains out."Trying to be funny, I replied, "You wish that someone would f--- your brains out?"And he said, "No. No one wants to do that."And I realized (once again). . . I am "No one" . . . at least to him sexually.And I never said anything . . . because it is what is . . . and because he Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-32374426703836453802008-07-03T02:32:00.004-04:002008-07-03T03:09:47.475-04:00ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble . . .I can't sleep! I hate hate hate when this happens. I have the next few days off and a book deadline looming and am looking forward to the holiday weekend. I have a 9:00 a.m. therapy appt. tomorrow morning - this morning actually, I guess. I am planning to really, actually go in there and quit. Have you ever noticed that "therapist" is spelled the same as "the rapist"? Eddy's therapist is making Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-90056671158907913932008-07-03T01:48:00.001-04:002008-07-03T01:50:03.771-04:00i am invisibleto himand maybe everyoneHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-15616465061137524912008-03-20T20:50:00.003-04:002008-04-02T20:27:43.054-04:00Death and TaxesI am such a fickle blogger. : ) And everyone is so nice about it.This has been yet another tumultous month or two.In February I hit a patch of black ice on my way to work and rolled my car over the median on to the other side of the major freeway that I was unfortunate enough to be driving on. Fortunately, the man headed toward me swerved out of the way. Unfortunately, he also rolled his car overHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-10969960718184472712008-02-13T20:40:00.004-05:002008-04-02T20:29:12.647-04:00taggedMy first meme ever! Thank you JAS I feel so validated : )! Really.Here are the rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you. JAS of Bi and Bye (great blog name - and love your avatar too - and your blog in general).2. Post the rules on your blog.3. Share six non important things/habits/quirks about yourself.---1- I love circles and squares and hate rectangles. I would have a square tv if I could. IHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-38340629371150257502007-12-16T18:11:00.000-05:002007-12-19T21:04:26.358-05:00The Longest Advent EverYesterday, the predictions were made and you could just feel it in the air that the snow was coming. And it did - ten and a half inches! - most of it overnight - and 35 mph winds and drifting. We made it to church and back and holed up for the day . . .cozy: Eddy's special Irish coffee (Bailey's + a shot of Dewar's); eight episodes of 30 Rock Season One (Eddy slept through 4 and 5); knitting - Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-11275557272316027772007-12-08T21:36:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:37:24.274-05:00The Golden Compass - ooga booga A few thoughts on the Golden Compass hullabaloo:1. To the watchdogs: The book has been out for TEN YEARS! Aren't ya a little late to warn us of the awful evil dangers? Do you really care? Or are ya lookin' to jump on the bandwagon and make headlines for yourself with your dissent? I think if you really cared, you'd have said something a few years ago.2. On the premise --> Oooh books are Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-40935858617822058982007-12-06T08:32:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:38:43.252-05:00nervesI am about to go to a therapy session, followed by the dentist (two crowns which may turn into root canals). I am really not looking forward to leaving the house. Add that it is 8 degrees outside and I just want to crawl back under the covers. But alas, the bed is made, so I guess that won't be happening.Is it crazy that I dread therapy more than the dentist? Talk about hitting nerves and diggingHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-4664454156576626632007-11-26T20:40:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:40:27.705-05:00And I helped! Today a young woman came into the library with one of those scam check things that we've all gotten in the mail . . . except that she was determined to get that five hundred dollars. I knew that it was a scam. And I helped her her do it. She needed an e-mail address, and I helped her set one up. I explained that she would need to call her bank for her routing number. She asked me what that was, Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-39928966401157856982007-11-20T00:28:00.001-05:002007-12-16T19:41:39.350-05:00Affair With Self2007-11-18-014_1 London Stormy sunrise Shepherds BushOriginally uploaded by Martin-James I attended a different (not Eddy's) church yesterday and it felt like cheating.If I put myself first, I feel like I am cheating. It kind of feels like I am having an affair with MYSELF. How is this possible?I need to snap out of this (the guilt). An affair with myself would probable be a good thing.HeidiHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-1502799558696192802007-10-22T23:02:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:48:03.558-05:00Am I just going through a phase?From BBC News:"The US may be one of the most religious countries in the West but is it undergoing a period of doubt."Admittedly, I haven't read the entire article (yet), but skimming it, I am not surprised if only because of the number of bestsellers on the topic. Just go to Amazon.com and search "atheism" in books.I tend to think that we doubters are just becoming more honest. In my case, I am Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-69131348709297844522007-07-22T20:12:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:49:32.908-05:00the kid comes out . . . sort ofSeveral weeks ago our son came out to us. Not that he's not gay - but that he's an atheist. I guess that we shouldn't be surprised. Eddy and I have been doubting our faith openly (at home, not at church). He has been reading Richard Dawkins since grade school. And the craziest people in our extended families are the most religious.At sixteen, I am sure that he is not finished sorting out his Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-52894711645111993152007-05-25T22:38:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:50:01.446-05:00eddy is out . . . sort ofwell, i guess there's a difference between going out and coming out . . . he is out with some friends (gay friends), so actually he is out to them . . . .but enough about him . . . how am i taking this?what's there to take? he's gay. he's out with gay friends. this is reality. what could be more normal?so he is somewhere over the rainbow . . . why do i feel like i'm the one in oz?BeaHeidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-6416167431818055352007-04-21T17:02:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:50:51.387-05:00dizzy. . . and just as the merry-go-round was rounding the corner to "everything's relatively okay - our marriage isn't perfect, but i really love you - let's hang on" eddy read my last post - and got really really angryit was the 2-and-a-half-year reference - which he interpreted as "she's not okay that i am gay - what else is she not telling me" or something like thati can see how it read it that Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-36291303240299168612007-04-11T21:18:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:52:10.494-05:00blogger's blocki think that it has been four times now that i have told eddy that i can't live this way any more and that we need to plan a way to live separatelythis morning was one of those timesi am afraid that i will backpeddle - againabout a month ago i told him that i felt more optimistic about us than i had since he came out to me - he reminded me of this this morning - i didn't tell him, but i had Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-41829454677353879472007-01-12T21:48:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:53:07.745-05:00hey, we could have a thing on the sideyesterday, i made a huge mistakein the library (where i work) during a very slow afternoon (because the computers were down) i was joking around with a regular library patron . . . the subject got around to our spouses, and i confided that eddy and i were considering separation. he was not comprehending this because he knows that eddy is a pastor, so i whispered, "he is gay." then he was more Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-88756769600171836942007-01-01T15:56:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:53:43.960-05:00on accepting a gay husband who doesn't accept himselfNot too long ago, a kind, but anonymous commenter responded to "Honey He's Gay" with: "do yourself a favour & simply accept what you cannot change about your husband & start divorce proceedings as quickly & painlessly as possible"When I read this, I felt defensive. I remember thinking, I DO accept him the way that he is. Heck, I am far more accepting of him than he is of himself.But Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-46111441554636345722007-01-01T15:25:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:54:34.938-05:00the gay thingThank you everyone for your email and comments even though I haven't been posting. I got suckered into teaching a college course along with my full-time job which has a 70 mile/day commute, so I was pretty stressed for a while there. I am so glad that is over. I hate teaching. Why do I do these things?Actually, the above is kind of bull-shit. I mean, it is true about being busy, but I think that Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-1163987103787529322006-11-19T20:18:00.000-05:002007-12-16T19:55:08.924-05:00the advantages of being married to a gay mani don't have to hear "touch-down" screamed from the other roomi don't have to look at him in tightie-whitieshe cleans the bathroomshe ironshe can tell me if my outfit looks stupidhe likes to shop as much as i dohe has great penmanshipwe are emotionally connectedi haven't needed birth control for the past ten yearshe doesn't ever look at other womenbut i would trade all of this in a new york Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-1161308830775680022006-10-19T20:19:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:55:51.102-05:00if i'm not okay, that's okay tooThis week I read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It is an astounding memoir. Jeannette and her siblings are severely neglected by their parents. When she is three years old, she is standing on a chair boiling hot dogs when her dress catches on fire. She ends up in the hospital with severe burns. She writes:I could tell that I was causing a big fuss, and I stayed quiet. One of them [nurses] Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26602943.post-1160393277429241582006-10-09T06:40:00.000-04:002007-12-16T19:56:46.517-05:00The Rapture IndexDo you suppose that the nuclear testing in N. Korea will raise the rapture index? The site says that the index was updated today (the 9th) and it went down two points. What is up with that? Nuclear testing should definitely be a factor here.The grumpy gay man that I live with says he hopes that they blow up the entire world and let the cockroaches take over. I picture his therapist thinking $$Heidihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01133253850592184285noreply@blogger.com9