sh-OUT

moved out

2009-10-13T23:31:00.002-04:00

moved outin augustno one (from his church)has figured it out yetthat i know ofserves them righttwo weeks until it's finalfeels like i'm ripping in twoand somehow it feels betteri commented on his last postbut he deleted itwhatever

nobody

2009-04-18T22:43:00.001-04:00

i just asked if i could get him anything and he says, "a gun, so i can shoot myself. i just f#$&#*g want to die. nobody cares."i guess that makes me nobody.i'm glad that i know better :)how long can i live like this?

Anginae Has Me Thinking About Sex With A Gay Man

2009-02-21T17:40:00.001-05:00

I've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy. I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever. I think it would depress me. Maybe not. Maybe I should be more

sleeping with a gay man

2008-12-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

Months ago . . . Eddy had a headache as we were going to bed and said, "I wish that someone would take my brains out."Trying to be funny, I replied, "You wish that someone would f--- your brains out?"And he said, "No. No one wants to do that."And I realized (once again). . . I am "No one" . . . at least to him sexually.And I never said anything . . . because it is what is . . . and because he

ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble . . .

2008-07-03T02:32:00.004-04:00

I can't sleep! I hate hate hate when this happens. I have the next few days off and a book deadline looming and am looking forward to the holiday weekend. I have a 9:00 a.m. therapy appt. tomorrow morning - this morning actually, I guess. I am planning to really, actually go in there and quit. Have you ever noticed that "therapist" is spelled the same as "the rapist"? Eddy's therapist is making

2008-07-03T01:48:00.001-04:00

i am invisibleto himand maybe everyone

Death and Taxes

2008-03-20T20:50:00.003-04:00

I am such a fickle blogger. : ) And everyone is so nice about it.This has been yet another tumultous month or two.In February I hit a patch of black ice on my way to work and rolled my car over the median on to the other side of the major freeway that I was unfortunate enough to be driving on. Fortunately, the man headed toward me swerved out of the way. Unfortunately, he also rolled his car over

tagged

2008-02-13T20:40:00.004-05:00

My first meme ever! Thank you JAS I feel so validated : )! Really.Here are the rules:1. Link to the person who tagged you. JAS of Bi and Bye (great blog name - and love your avatar too - and your blog in general).2. Post the rules on your blog.3. Share six non important things/habits/quirks about yourself.---1- I love circles and squares and hate rectangles. I would have a square tv if I could. I

The Longest Advent Ever

2007-12-16T18:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the predictions were made and you could just feel it in the air that the snow was coming. And it did - ten and a half inches! - most of it overnight - and 35 mph winds and drifting. We made it to church and back and holed up for the day . . .cozy: Eddy's special Irish coffee (Bailey's + a shot of Dewar's); eight episodes of 30 Rock Season One (Eddy slept through 4 and 5); knitting -

The Golden Compass - ooga booga

2007-12-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

A few thoughts on the Golden Compass hullabaloo:1. To the watchdogs: The book has been out for TEN YEARS! Aren't ya a little late to warn us of the awful evil dangers? Do you really care? Or are ya lookin' to jump on the bandwagon and make headlines for yourself with your dissent? I think if you really cared, you'd have said something a few years ago.2. On the premise --> Oooh books are

nerves

2007-12-06T08:32:00.000-05:00

I am about to go to a therapy session, followed by the dentist (two crowns which may turn into root canals). I am really not looking forward to leaving the house. Add that it is 8 degrees outside and I just want to crawl back under the covers. But alas, the bed is made, so I guess that won't be happening.Is it crazy that I dread therapy more than the dentist? Talk about hitting nerves and digging

And I helped!

2007-11-26T20:40:00.000-05:00

Today a young woman came into the library with one of those scam check things that we've all gotten in the mail . . . except that she was determined to get that five hundred dollars. I knew that it was a scam. And I helped her her do it. She needed an e-mail address, and I helped her set one up. I explained that she would need to call her bank for her routing number. She asked me what that was,

Affair With Self

2007-11-20T00:28:00.001-05:00

2007-11-18-014_1 London Stormy sunrise Shepherds BushOriginally uploaded by Martin-James I attended a different (not Eddy's) church yesterday and it felt like cheating.If I put myself first, I feel like I am cheating. It kind of feels like I am having an affair with MYSELF. How is this possible?I need to snap out of this (the guilt). An affair with myself would probable be a good thing.Heidi

Am I just going through a phase?

2007-10-22T23:02:00.000-04:00

From BBC News:"The US may be one of the most religious countries in the West but is it undergoing a period of doubt."Admittedly, I haven't read the entire article (yet), but skimming it, I am not surprised if only because of the number of bestsellers on the topic. Just go to Amazon.com and search "atheism" in books.I tend to think that we doubters are just becoming more honest. In my case, I am

the kid comes out . . . sort of

2007-07-22T20:12:00.000-04:00

Several weeks ago our son came out to us. Not that he's not gay - but that he's an atheist. I guess that we shouldn't be surprised. Eddy and I have been doubting our faith openly (at home, not at church). He has been reading Richard Dawkins since grade school. And the craziest people in our extended families are the most religious.At sixteen, I am sure that he is not finished sorting out his

eddy is out . . . sort of

2007-05-25T22:38:00.000-04:00

well, i guess there's a difference between going out and coming out . . . he is out with some friends (gay friends), so actually he is out to them . . . .but enough about him . . . how am i taking this?what's there to take? he's gay. he's out with gay friends. this is reality. what could be more normal?so he is somewhere over the rainbow . . . why do i feel like i'm the one in oz?Bea

dizzy

2007-04-21T17:02:00.000-04:00

. . . and just as the merry-go-round was rounding the corner to "everything's relatively okay - our marriage isn't perfect, but i really love you - let's hang on" eddy read my last post - and got really really angryit was the 2-and-a-half-year reference - which he interpreted as "she's not okay that i am gay - what else is she not telling me" or something like thati can see how it read it that

blogger's block

2007-04-11T21:18:00.000-04:00

i think that it has been four times now that i have told eddy that i can't live this way any more and that we need to plan a way to live separatelythis morning was one of those timesi am afraid that i will backpeddle - againabout a month ago i told him that i felt more optimistic about us than i had since he came out to me - he reminded me of this this morning - i didn't tell him, but i had

hey, we could have a thing on the side

2007-01-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

yesterday, i made a huge mistakein the library (where i work) during a very slow afternoon (because the computers were down) i was joking around with a regular library patron . . . the subject got around to our spouses, and i confided that eddy and i were considering separation. he was not comprehending this because he knows that eddy is a pastor, so i whispered, "he is gay." then he was more

on accepting a gay husband who doesn't accept himself

2007-01-01T15:56:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, a kind, but anonymous commenter responded to "Honey He's Gay" with: "do yourself a favour & simply accept what you cannot change about your husband & start divorce proceedings as quickly & painlessly as possible"When I read this, I felt defensive. I remember thinking, I DO accept him the way that he is. Heck, I am far more accepting of him than he is of himself.But then I am

the gay thing

2007-01-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

Thank you everyone for your email and comments even though I haven't been posting. I got suckered into teaching a college course along with my full-time job which has a 70 mile/day commute, so I was pretty stressed for a while there. I am so glad that is over. I hate teaching. Why do I do these things?Actually, the above is kind of bull-shit. I mean, it is true about being busy, but I think that

the advantages of being married to a gay man

2006-11-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

i don't have to hear "touch-down" screamed from the other roomi don't have to look at him in tightie-whitieshe cleans the bathroomshe ironshe can tell me if my outfit looks stupidhe likes to shop as much as i dohe has great penmanshipwe are emotionally connectedi haven't needed birth control for the past ten yearshe doesn't ever look at other womenbut i would trade all of this in a new york

if i'm not okay, that's okay too

2006-10-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

This week I read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It is an astounding memoir. Jeannette and her siblings are severely neglected by their parents. When she is three years old, she is standing on a chair boiling hot dogs when her dress catches on fire. She ends up in the hospital with severe burns. She writes:I could tell that I was causing a big fuss, and I stayed quiet. One of them [nurses]

The Rapture Index

2006-10-09T06:40:00.000-04:00

Do you suppose that the nuclear testing in N. Korea will raise the rapture index? The site says that the index was updated today (the 9th) and it went down two points. What is up with that? Nuclear testing should definitely be a factor here.The grumpy gay man that I live with says he hopes that they blow up the entire world and let the cockroaches take over. I picture his therapist thinking $$

what can i say?

2006-09-06T20:12:00.000-04:00

You Are BertExtremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them!You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule youYou are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evilHow you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to othersThe Sesame Street

The Big O

2006-09-05T09:37:00.000-04:00

A producer from The Oprah Show contacted me about participating in an upcoming show about gay husbands. (She said she read my blog). Although, I'm not about to participate, I had to imagine it, not so much airing out my experiences on national television, but what would it be like if Eddy did come out.My first reaction was what a relief it would be for all of us. Then, there was a numbing fear of

Contradictions

2006-08-23T14:29:00.000-04:00

Contradictions do not exist.Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction,check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong~Ayn Rand

re: I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.

2006-08-21T16:16:00.000-04:00

In my last post one of my secrets was: "I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not."I knowwww that it is not a decision. I really, really get that.But right now while he definitely is gay, he is not acting gay in the truest sense of the word. And while he has pledged to remain committed to our marriage, is that fair to ask of him? Is it even fair to ask him to stay married?I

The terribly boring secrets of a pastor's wife.

2006-08-13T21:43:00.000-04:00

In honor of turning 40 this summer, here are 40 secrets about me:I am afraid of losing weight because I think that it will turn me into a slut.At least once a year, I buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple, and throw the rest of the pack away.I can't stand not being the boss at work because I think that I could do everything better.I am afraid that if I enforce the rules at work (the library)

To Bella

2006-08-13T21:09:00.000-04:00

(Bella left a comment to the linked blog [click on title above], but not her email address).Hi Bella,I sort of know how you feel. Sometimes, you feel like you are the butt of a 14 year practical joke . . . you know, like when someone tapes a "kick me" sign to your back. Everyone (or at least a pretty important someone) knew something and didn't let you in on the big secret. In some strange way it

Eyes Wide Shut

2006-07-31T22:39:00.000-04:00

Ran across this quote and picture:El sueño de la razón produce monstruos.~Francisco de Goya, Los Caprichos, 1799"The sleep of reason produces monsters."reminds me of my longtime favorite quote:"Reality is that which, when you stop believing it,doesn't go away."~Philip K. DickYou know how little kids will cover their eyes and think you can't see them? Is this where I am? Covering my eyes to hide

Flipped Out

2006-07-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

First of all,Wow, guys! Thank you for your honest answers. So much of it resonates with our story: the climate of the 80s, the religion, the desire to create a family, falling in love. What you all wrote helps me better understand Eddy.Flip threw a question back at me:If, before you married, your husband had told you about his attraction to other men, would you still have married him? Why or why

gay husbands tell all

2006-07-18T10:13:00.000-04:00

Survey question of the day for all of you gay husbands in straight marriages.For one reason or another, despite your sexual attraction to men, you married a woman. Why?(Just looking for honest, direct answers. I want to get a clearer picture of this phenemonen. I am not trying to point fingers. Please feel free to remain anonymous.)

buddha, the divorce fairy, and bounce out

2006-07-13T21:56:00.000-04:00

I would like to think that I live in the present. Buddhism calls it mindfulness: being completely engrossed in the present, neither bemoaning the past, wishing away the present, nor borrowing from the future. You are eating an orange. Slow down. Notice the minute droplets of spray when you peel the orange or peel away sections. Notice the colors, the smell, the juice on your tongue. . . yadda,

what they said when i told them my husband is gay

2006-07-02T20:16:00.000-04:00

Over the last two years, I have gone to people for support. Some of their responses have surprised me. Here they are (abbreviated) in roughly chronological order as accurately as I can remember them. I list the most helpful response last, though.my friend, D: No! He can't be. It's just a phase.my therapist (after I asked her, "What am I supposed to do with this information?): Just breathe.my

GOING to heaven! or not?

2006-06-23T22:21:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite poems - by Emily Dickinson -- read to the end for the "twist"GOING to heaven! I don’t know when,Pray do not ask me how,— Indeed, I ’m too astonishedTo think of answering you! Going to heaven!— How dim it sounds!And yet it will be done As sure as flocks go home at night Unto the shepherd’s arm!Perhaps you ’re going too! Who knows?If you should get there first,Save just a little

brutal honesty

2006-06-21T13:21:00.000-04:00

Bigg says: I am a bit confused. I understand your wish for your husband to love you and to remain married to you. But the very fact that you're in the current situation should underline the fact that he can't "choose" to be straight at the expense of himself -- it just won't work. So, my question is this: would you be willing to stay with him if he did "pick" you, but also "picked" himself? Could

Pick ME! Pick ME!

2006-06-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

doesn't it all really boil down to this . . ."pick ME! pick ME!"my silent mantra for the last weekat the end of the day, he has a simple choice . . .ME or being gay. How can he not pick ME?!in this crazy emotional soup,"pick ME!" is lurking at the bottom of it allI know that it is not this simple,not nearly this simpleI want him to be himself,his honest-to-god real self.but . . .however mentally

Pain and a Piece of Cake

2006-06-12T21:25:00.000-04:00

P A I N - we know about pain.To my last post, Chris (aka hurricane) comments, "KK and I are to a point in our collective and individual journeys where we are both certain that knowing and dealing is far better than the pain of secret keeping."There is definitely something to be said for "knowing and dealing." I am amazed and in awe of you, Chris and KK. You inspire me.Over the weekend I finished,

Dear Restored Vows,

2006-06-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

Restored Vows writes:Before we got married, I told my wife that I had same-sex attractions. I thought it would "go away" when I got married. It didn't.My marriage is currently on the rocks. I am not very romantic and our love (sex) life is basically dead. Any advice for the romantically challenged?I'd really like a wife's perspective on your thoughts and feelings. I am not out to my wife, but she

The roller coaster from Hell.

2006-05-27T16:18:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I ran into this online boggle addiction which has distracted me from posting. Actually, I have been trying to not think about "this gay thing" for the past few weeks, so I really haven't had much to say.But now it feels like things are starting to bubble up. It is like I am sitting in the front of the rollercoaster. We are in the straight, slow spot, catching our breath, but looking at

What is New?

2006-05-21T23:14:00.000-04:00

I have a new job - in my field, unionized = pension, real benefits. My last day at the old job was last Thursday. Life is good.Watched the Movie Trembling before G-d, as recommended by Aaron. Thank you Aaron. . . and Netflix. Wonderful documentary about the struggle of gay and lesbian conservative Jewish people, some married. It actually deals some with the struggle of the spouses.Coordinated a

The Science of Dread

2006-05-05T23:41:00.000-04:00

I just finished telling someone that I would rather make a decision now than wait to make sure that I make the right decision. And then ran across this article on the "science of dread". Part of it says, "Among people who volunteered to receive electric shocks, almost a third opted for a stronger zap if they could just get it over with, instead of having to wait." First of all, what kind of

Help! I'm yelling and I can't shut up! (not)

2006-05-03T19:34:00.000-04:00

I hate yelling. I think I've said that Mom was/is a yeller. They are old people now, and she still yells at my Dad like he's a little boy. He still ignores her. I used to cry myself to sleep, listening to her yell at my Dad - he doesn't help enough, he doesn't budget, he doesn't tithe, he eats corn on the cob the wrong way - whatever. I would lie there, crying silently terrified that they were

Okay . . .

2006-04-30T22:36:00.000-04:00

I am in a better place today. I hate when things are unresolved. Three things have been resolved since my last (real) post. I found out that I did not get the job that I interviewed for (which is okay because I was ambivalent about it but it would be nice to have the job search resolved)I took my final and finished my class (webcoding I - I start webcoding II in a couple of weeks if I don't drop

In which I am caught red-handed.

2006-04-29T17:52:00.000-04:00

Accidental Christian: What the h*ck happened?I am glad that Eddy is back. You will have to read his post (link above) to understand this one.I should have known better than to invade his history. . . trust is important, and since I put that deposit on that apartment without telling him first (that I ended up not renting) trust has definitely been an issue between us.When I stop to think about it,

Funkytown

2006-04-28T10:33:00.000-04:00

I am definitely in a funk - and on the edge of a bigger funk. Emotionally, I feel like I am treading really hard just to keep my head above the water. I have been "hanging in there" for what seems like forever.Two years of this rollercoaster is a very long time. Twice we have told our son that we are divorcing. Twice we have told him that we have changed our minds. This has to be Hell for him. A

Job Interview

2006-04-26T13:24:00.000-04:00

I am job hunting <---- hate it! I had an interview today for an actual writing job, writing for the in-house newsletter for this big company where I already work but my job is being relocated and ends in June. It was a totally normal interview (Thank God). No questions like, "If you were a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you be?" (I don't know, what kind of vegetable do you think that I

He read this, and I didn't throw up.

2006-04-25T13:32:00.000-04:00

Sunday night, Eddy read my blog. All weekend, I was waiting for him to and when I thought about it, I would feel like throwing up -- I guess because I was afraid of conflict. I thought that he would hate me after reading it. I used to throw up a lot when I was angry and afraid to say it. I have not done that for a very very very long time although I still am angry and afraid to say things.We were

If I love my gay husband, does that mean that everything is okay?

2006-04-23T17:58:00.000-04:00

I reread my last post and it looked a hell of a lot too rosy.So, I had to ask myself: If I love my gay husband, does that mean that everything is okay?. . . and came up with more questions:Is it okay that he doesn't have the insatiable urge to f*ck me? NOIs it okay for me to live with him, just waiting for the other shoe to drop? NOIs it okay for me to live with an angry and miserable man? NOI

Could I ever love a straight man?

2006-04-22T22:04:00.001-04:00

First, I want to thank everyone for all of their kind comments. I will try to keep writing.I have been asking myself --- how could I not have realized that my own husband is gay? We had known each other for eighteen years before he came out to me. When he told me, I was shocked, but at the same time not entirely surprised. His confession seemed to make a million things make sense, two in

"Hey, maybe I'm not gay!"

2006-04-21T14:11:00.000-04:00

Hurricane writes about his wife:She and I became the best of friends in college and when the relationship took a romantic turn, I was both surprised (because I knew then how difficult it was for me with women) and delighted (because, hey, maybe I'm not gay!) . . .Even physical intimacy wasn't a problem for us for most of the marriage. We eased into it so slowly with our friendship and courtship,

Honey, he's gay.

2006-04-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

Hi - I'm Bea, better known as B. I tend to leave a lot unsaid, which is not exactly helping me at the moment. Maybe if I say things here, I will be able to say them outloud.Right now I am in a closet, actually kind of "the closet".My husband (of more than 15 years) was in "the closet" until about two years ago. He came out to me, but then dragged me in there with him. So here I sit in the dark,