Thursday, April 20, 2006

Honey, he's gay.

Hi - I'm Bea, better known as B. I tend to leave a lot unsaid, which is not exactly helping me at the moment. Maybe if I say things here, I will be able to say them outloud.

Right now I am in a closet, actually kind of "the closet".

My husband (of more than 15 years) was in "the closet" until about two years ago. He came out to me, but then dragged me in there with him. So here I sit in the dark, where it is difficult to breathe, it is impossible to see things clearly, and it just plain stinks.

I hate it.

When he told me that he is and always has been gay, it changed everything - not just my present and my future, but it changed our past - my past. It rewrote history. How many things can do that?

He says:

  1. I was always genuinely attracted to you.
  2. I am still attracted to you.
  3. I have never been with a man.
  4. I don't want to do anything with a man.
  5. I don't want anything to change between us.

The only item above that I believe is c.

I know that he loves me. We have a very strong friendship. We are very close, but I think that what we have is different than a or b. I think that he wanted to believe that he could be straight, and that he really really tried. But I don't think that it was everything that I thought that it was.

Sometimes I feel like I am the butt of a practical joke -- I wasn't on the "in".

Sometimes I feel very cheated. I never imagined even thinking about divorce before this. No matter what, my life is not going to be what I had imagined.

Regarding c: has he ever been with another man? I went to a straight spouse support group . . . once. When I said that my husband is gay, but has never done anything gay, they all laughed at me for being so naive. Their husbands (ex-husbands) were promiscuous -- with both men and women (apparently to prove their masculinity or something.) So if you are laughing at me here, you are not the first. But I believe that my husband ("E") does have a certain amount of integrity, and that he is too inhibited.

Regarding d: That is up to him. He is what he is. Being gay for a man means wanting to be with a man. Isn't that what gay is?

As for e: That is the big question. My heart wants to believe one thing, my head another.

Life is full of decisions. No option is perfect. We have talked about that a lot. So here we are - or so here I am.

I don't know if anyone will read this. For the other side of the story, if you want to read E's blog, it is the first one on the list to the right. If you are in a similar situation, the gay spouse, the straight spouse, man or woman, let me know your blog address, and I will post it here.




Blogger Brandon said...

Keep writing, Bea. I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly interested I am in hearing your story.

Thursday, April 20, 2006 6:36:00 PM  
Blogger Zeke said...

I'll second that. Keep writing, B.

Saturday, April 22, 2006 1:42:00 AM  
Blogger cocoa-bean said...

Dear B,
you are not alone. I can so relate!
I'm in the same type of situation -happily married, but currently on a roller coaster ride because we've only just started coming out of that closet together. I'll let you know when I start my own blog.
My husband and I have a very strong relationship that we value, and we are totally faithful to each other - sometimes drool over the same guys (which I find hilarious) but he just want's to take off the mask - let people know who he really is.
We're also in a very conservative religious community, so that does limit for now, who we let in on what's going on. It's scary, because in sharing this, it will separate the sheep from the goat in terms of who your real friends are.

Saturday, April 22, 2006 1:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

Hello B, thank you for your honesty. I too have something I want the courage to say outloud, and hope that saying it here will be a start. I want to say to my husband, "Are you gay?". I don't know how to say it, but I'll get there. And your story and struggle are helping to face the reality of what will happen when I get the answer. Thank you, and stay strong. I don't know if I believe in the same God I used to...but I believe in something, and I will keep you in my prayers.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:56:00 AM  
Blogger Coming Undone said...

Well B,

My wife is convinced that I am gay, because I admitted to having sex with men...before we were married (or dating). And I periodically look at gay porn. We are now separated. Unfortunately she doesn't believe me when I say that I AM NOT GAY. I was brutally sexually abused for about a year when I was 7 and 8 years old.

The psychological term for what I have done is called "acting out". It is a way for my subconscious to try to gain some measure of control over what happened to me. Now before all of the negatrive comments, I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILTY for waht I have done. I can attribute the behavior to my childhood abuse, but I was the one that did it.

That being said, my wife's therapist has told her flat out that I am gay and in denial. I've lost my best friend, my lover, and my kids over this.

This is such a complex issue. I understand her lack of trust and believing her therapist over me, but he's wrong and I now have to accept that she will believe that I am gay for the rest of her life...even though I know its not true. I have to love her enough to let her go (I know that sounds corny). Nothing I say or do will convince her that our marriage wasn't some sick joke.

Just rambling I know, but I hurt her so badly and have completely changed the life of my kids and myself because I decided it was time to be honest about my past behavior.

I'm sorry for what is happening to you, but please don't write him off because of an online support group.

These are primarily women that have had their lives turned upside down because their husbands "came out". Between her therapist and support group, she is unwilling to even consider an alternative explanation of my behavior. In fact, she now doesn't even believe I was abused, despite the fact that my brother confirmed it.

Anyway, good luck to you.

Saturday, August 05, 2006 10:41:00 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

My husband and I are in the same situation.
He said he was sexaully abused when he was 10.
About 2 years after we were married I had caught him on the internet talking to gay men even on a website for gay men.
Then about two years ago he had an affair with a man and things havent been the same.
I left him for about a year and then he begged me back promissed thing would be differnt, said it was a phase and he was sorry and he's not gay anymore......not gay anymore how does one decide that.
I moved back home last october since then we have tried to have sex 4 tmes, he sleeps on the couch and I sleep in our room.
I have just told him last night I want out I cant take this no more
......I'm so lonley, I feel our 10 year realationship has been one big lie and the joke is on me.
I have never and my life felt like this, lost, confussed, mad, sad, disapointed and most of all afraid.......I'm 35 year old women with one child and no life!
I'm suffercating and I don't know if can breathe anymore my walls feel like they are closing more everyday.
If only I knew what to do?
I live in Tampa, fl. if anyone knows any support groups or help I can get that would be great!

Sunday, August 13, 2006 12:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Gay Man's perspective,

I am 27 years old & my partner had been married to his wife for over ten years. They had been living apart for exactly one year when I met him. As I understand it, their marriage was more of a friendship than anything. I cannot begin to imagine the feelings of betrayal & how mislead these women must feel. With certainty I recognize that the wives are the victoms in all this. My partner is somewhat older than me, and from/of a different generation than I was raised in. I've been openly gay for as long as I can remember. I believe & my partner shares my opinion that there is really no such thing as bi-sexual. Gay men are simply at different stages of self-denial & feeling definate family & social pressures sometimes just simply resort to conforming. While I am not in any shape or form condoaning the lies & deceit, I do understand its nature. Remember you have every reason to be angry, but don't blame others in his life, its not their fault at all. Also do your self a favour & simply accept what you cannot change about your husband & start divorce proceedings as quickly & painlessly as possible. Demonstrating hostility will only hurt you both in the end, as well as other innocent parties.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 5:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although I wish none of us had to go through this, it is comforting to know I am not alone as I deal with my similar situation. My husband HAS been with other men and I fear for my health and well being both emotionally (I'm on antidepresanats)and physically. I feel scared and alone and am trying to work up the resources and courage to leave (I am a stay at home mother). I still see the kindess and goodness in this man and I know he is not a "bad person" just lost. It is very sad and very hard to deal with, but thank you for has helped.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 1:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am going through alot of crap right now too. Same thing as many...odd that it happens so much. My husband is going through stuff. But it started way back...we've been married for 14 years and have 2 kids. I found a gay pron video when we had been married for 4 years. He said he had been abused as a child and needed to proove to himself that he was not gay. I bought it. Years later when my son was one, I found a computer disk with saved gay pictures...again I bought his excuses. This has gone on continuously and I have had it. HE says he is not gay...but again I find gay porn on the computer. He says he may be bisexual...but there is no bisexual porn...What do I do? Our sex life sucks, and I feel like shit. I have nothing left of myself. He broke down in november and said he wanted to stop this fetish. He said he almost felt suicidal because of it and said he really loved me....excuse to keep me here???I don't know. I found gay porn again this week after returning to work from a mat leave....what do I do? I am at the end of my rope!

Sunday, March 11, 2007 11:25:00 AM  

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