Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
no one (from his church)
has figured it out
that i know of
serves them right
two weeks until it's final
feels like i'm ripping in two
and somehow it feels better
i commented on his last post
but he deleted it
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy.
I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever. I think it would depress me. Maybe not. Maybe I should be more open-minded and consider the possibility that sex is never meaningless. Maybe I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it.
In bed, my husband has been pretty good about making it good for me. I knew he would be that way. I knew other guys (the straight ones) that I dated wouldn't be. It was part of my conscious decision to choose him for a husband. It is part of why we are still together. What I didn't notice until later, was that he wasn't/isn't desirous of me. He doesn't "want" me the same way that I "want" him. I don't think he ever has really, not with any kind of intensity.
I am one of the lemmings who have read the Twilight Series. My friends have pondered over its mass appeal, but to me it is obvious. I want to be wanted like Edward wants Bella. I want to be delicious to someone. I want the kind of protection that would inspire.
If the lust in a relationship is one sided, what does that do for power balance in the relationship? If I think about that too hard, I feel rage - and shame - like I've been duped. Lately, I have been asking myself. What is more important to me? being with someone who I love/want? or being with someone who loves/wants me? Ideally, of course, it would be both. Maybe the real question, then is do I want to be with someone who doesn't physically want me like I want him?
I don't know.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thursday, July 03, 2008
ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble . . .
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Death and Taxes
This has been yet another tumultous month or two.
In February I hit a patch of black ice on my way to work and rolled my car over the median on to the other side of the major freeway that I was unfortunate enough to be driving on. Fortunately, the man headed toward me swerved out of the way. Unfortunately, he also rolled his car over and in to another car. And we all lived. I spent the day in the ER and got a ton of stitches in my scalp and missed almost two weeks of work, in which you'd think I'd have blogged but . . . . Oh well.
One of the first things that I thought once the car had stopped and I realized that I was conscious and alive was that I was glad that I had a husband to call. A really nice lady called him for me and he beat me to the hospital by about twenty minutes. The night before I had a long conversation with my Mom about the possibility of separating from Eddy. Part of me thinks that God let the accident happen, so I would think twice about it. I don't really think that - but the bad religion that I was raised with takes my mind there. Fundamentalism is really awful.
Taxes are around the corner - we are filing separately for the second year in a row. I always think about separation in March and April. It is like I am on this cycle . . . .
I don't want to separate. I don't know what I want.
I hate that.