nobody

i just asked if i could get him anything and he says, "a gun, so i can shoot myself. i just f#$&#*g want to die. nobody cares."

i guess that makes me nobody.

i'm glad that i know better :)

how long can i live like this?

Anginae Has Me Thinking About Sex With A Gay Man

I've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy. 

I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever.  I think it would depress me.  Maybe not. Maybe I should be more open-minded and consider the possibility that sex is never meaningless. Maybe I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it.

 

In bed, my husband has been pretty good about making it good for me. I knew he would be that way. I knew other guys (the straight ones) that I dated wouldn't be. It was part of my conscious decision to choose him for a husband. It is part of why we are still together. What I didn't notice until later, was that he wasn't/isn't desirous of me. He doesn't "want" me the same way that I "want" him. I don't think he ever has really, not with any kind of intensity.

 

I am one of the lemmings who have read the Twilight Series. My friends have pondered over its mass appeal, but to me it is obvious. I want to be wanted like Edward wants Bella. I want to be delicious to someone. I want the kind of protection that would inspire.

 

If the lust in a relationship is one sided, what does that do for power balance in the relationship? If I think about that too hard, I feel rage - and shame - like I've been duped. Lately, I have been asking myself. What is more important to me? being with someone who I love/want? or being with someone who loves/wants me? Ideally, of course, it would be both. Maybe the real question, then is do I want to be with someone who doesn't physically want me like I want him?

 

I don't know. 

Friday Five: Countdown to Christmas Edition

Songbird gives us this Friday Five:

It's true.

There are only five full days before Christmas Day, and whether you use them for shopping, wrapping, preaching, worshiping, singing or traveling or even wishing the whole darn thing were over last Tuesday, there's a good chance they will be busy ones.

So let's make this easy, if we can: tell us five things you need to accomplish before Christmas Eve.

We are doing a more relaxed Christmas this year - no cookie baking binges, no big tree. . . but still there is plenty to do. So, okay . . . Here goes:

#1 Wrap presents - I haven't even started although I have (as usual) acquired way too much wrapping paper.

#2 Open House? - We  decided (a day or so ago) to host  a Christmas Eve open house after all (we only have a nice and early 7:00 p.m. service). It used to be a tradition, but the last couple of years we haven't done it. It may just be my mom and dad, but that would be fine too. Regardless, I still have to plan, shop and prep. . . .

#3 Clean, clean, clean - I can't stand the thought of waking up  Christmas morning to a house that is less than company clean. Hosting the Open House will put this in to play . . . the child and husband will clean beautifully - for company :)

#4 Write/Edit - I have a Dec. 29 deadline - and a lot to still do. My goal is to finish before Christmas, so I can enjoy it and next weekend. If the library is closed (for snow) tomorrow I may actually do it.

#5 Christmas Cards - I almost forgot! Usually, these are done by now. I wonder where my list is?

sleeping with a gay man

Months ago . . . 

Eddy had a headache as we were going to bed and said, "I wish that someone would take my brains out."

Trying to be funny, I replied, "You wish that someone would f--- your brains out?"

And he said, "No. No one wants to do that."

And I realized (once again). . . I am "No one" . . . at least to him sexually.

And I never said anything . . . because it is what is . . . and because he didn't mean it as personally as I am taking it . . . and because . . . he is depressed enough already.

Funny Friday Five

Presbyterian Gal gives us this funny friday five:

After an exhausting election here in the states it's time for some spirit lifting! Join me with a nice cup of tea or coffee or cocoa and let's sit back and read the Funny Papers!

1. What was your favorite comic strip as a child? Peanuts! What else?

2. Which comic strip today most consistently tickles your funny bone? Still Peanuts.

3. Which Peanuts character is closest to being you? I think everyone would agree that it is Lucy.

4. Some say that comic strips have replaced philosophy as a paying job, so to speak. Does this ring true with you? Humor and philosophy definitely go hand in hand.

5. What do you think the appeal is for the really long running comic strips like Blondie, Family Circus, Dennis the Menace as some examples? The timeless truth that they point out about familiy life.

Bonus question: Which discontinued comic strip would you like to see back in print?

The Far Side & Bloom County - I miss them both.

Summer!

The 4th of July - to me - means that it is really, really summer. I was born in July and it is my all time favorite month.

We went to fireworks again last night. It was so American. It was at a farm - the family 4th of July picnic turned into an all out fireworks display with hundreds of people. They were so close! It was better than the community fireworks that we went to on Friday. And we hung out with good friends. It is so good to have good friends.

We went to the local gay bar for a drink or two tonight - they have the best outdoor seating in town. We go there enough that everyone knows us - and we are so not likely to run into anyone from church. : )

Eddy is taking a forced vacation from therapy for the next couple of weeks. Scares me a little, but I think that he will be okay. The kid is still at camp. When he is here it seems like he is never here - but somehow it still seems empty without him. The cat misses him too. In fact, I am getting the "pet me pleeeeeease" meow right now.

Fireworks Friday Five

Happy Independence Day to everyone out there! Don't miss the "Patriot" poem by Alice Walker in the posting below this one.

Over at RevGalBlogPals, Sally gives us this Fireworks Friday Five:

I have to admit that I am chuckling to myself a little; how strange it seems for me a Brit to be posting the Friday Five on 4th July! I realise that most of our revgals will be celebrating in some way today, but I hope that you can make a little room for Friday Five! From my short stay in Texas my memories of the celebrations are of fireworks and picnics, one year we went in to central Houston to watch the fireworks and hear the Symphony Orchestra play, we were welcomed and included, and that meant a lot!So lets have a bit of fun:

1. Barbeque's or picnics ( or are they essentially the same thing?)

They actually aren't the same thing - A picnic is a barbecue without grilling and you are more likely to sit on a blanket on the ground I think. Ants come to picnics - Do they come to barbecues too? I have never really gotten into barbecuing - The whole things just seems so messy and bothersome. I like to eat barbecue though. I guess that I prefer picnics.

2. The park/ the lake/ the beach or staying at home simply being?

Usually, we do the stay at home simply being thing, maybe with my Mom and Dad over. This Year, we are going to a picnic with some friends with fireworks there in the evening. I can't tell you how excited I am. I feel like a little kid. We have avoided stuff like that - especially at a huge park - because we don't like crowds. But I am sick of staying at home on days like this.

3. Fireworks- love 'em or hate 'em?

I absolutely love fireworks. In our eighteen year marriage I remember only two specific times that we have gone to see them - there may be a couple of more. What is wrong with me!

4. Parades- have you ever taken part- share a memory...

The year that we lived in Wisconsin we went to one - at the end was a parade of motorcyclists that I thought would never end. It was amazing.

5. Time for a musical interlude- if you could sum up holidays in a piece of music what would it be?

For the 4th? I guess that Sousa march everyone associates with the 4th and fireworks. It is so sickeningly cheerful, but somehow fits the 4th.