Saturday, February 21, 2009

Anginae Has Me Thinking About Sex With A Gay Man

I've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy. 

I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever.  I think it would depress me.  Maybe not. Maybe I should be more open-minded and consider the possibility that sex is never meaningless. Maybe I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it.


In bed, my husband has been pretty good about making it good for me. I knew he would be that way. I knew other guys (the straight ones) that I dated wouldn't be. It was part of my conscious decision to choose him for a husband. It is part of why we are still together. What I didn't notice until later, was that he wasn't/isn't desirous of me. He doesn't "want" me the same way that I "want" him. I don't think he ever has really, not with any kind of intensity.


I am one of the lemmings who have read the Twilight Series. My friends have pondered over its mass appeal, but to me it is obvious. I want to be wanted like Edward wants Bella. I want to be delicious to someone. I want the kind of protection that would inspire.


If the lust in a relationship is one sided, what does that do for power balance in the relationship? If I think about that too hard, I feel rage - and shame - like I've been duped. Lately, I have been asking myself. What is more important to me? being with someone who I love/want? or being with someone who loves/wants me? Ideally, of course, it would be both. Maybe the real question, then is do I want to be with someone who doesn't physically want me like I want him?


I don't know.