The Longest Advent Ever

Yesterday, the predictions were made and you could just feel it in the air that the snow was coming. And it did - ten and a half inches! - most of it overnight - and 35 mph winds and drifting. We made it to church and back and holed up for the day . . .cozy: Eddy's special Irish coffee (Bailey's + a shot of Dewar's); eight episodes of 30 Rock Season One (Eddy slept through 4 and 5); knitting - maybe I will finally finish this prayer shawl (don't know who I'm giving it to); our new little tree is up and pretty; should be doing Christmas cards.

Since "the revelation" (see my first post), the holidays have been melancholy. I can't help but wonder if this is our last Christmas as a family living under the same roof. I am finding the family Christmas letter impossible to write. This year we couldn't even bring ourselves to get out the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations (at least that is what it was for me). We bought a pretty 4 ft. pre-lit white feather tree instead (not the pink or blue one - $20.00 1/2 price at Michael's).

This is our fourth post-disclosure Christmas, and I don't feel any closer to knowing what I want. My head and my heart are on completely different wave-lengths. I feel pathetically and hopelessly stuck.

I keep thinking about something that Closeted Pastor blogged a couple of weeks ago:
". . .My ex had the courage to know that marriage to a woman who kept falling in love with other women was not what he wanted."

I keep telling myself that I need to not focus on figuring this out but need to know myself better, and then I will know what I want. . . what is right, and the courage will come.

I hate waiting.

The Golden Compass - ooga booga

A few thoughts on the Golden Compass hullabaloo:

1. To the watchdogs: The book has been out for TEN YEARS! Aren't ya a little late to warn us of the awful evil dangers? Do you really care? Or are ya lookin' to jump on the bandwagon and make headlines for yourself with your dissent? I think if you really cared, you'd have said something a few years ago.

2. On the premise --> Oooh books are dangerous: According to Bill Donohue of the Catholic League, this series is a "pernicious" effort to indoctrinate children into anti-Christian beliefs. Another agenda is unmasked. Someone get out the matches and lighter fluid please.

3. On the (LCMS) Lutherans --> a) better late than never, huh? You posted your discussion guide three days before the movie opens - two months after the Catholics and ten years after the first book was published. b) It is wishy-washy. Just listen to yourself -->"Is Pullman's work a threat? Yes and no."

4. It is a book/movie.

5. It is a fiction book/movie.

6. It is fantasy fiction book/movie.

7. If something makes us think and talk, can it be all bad?

8. I refuse to be afraid of ANYTHING.

9. And just for fun:

nerves

I am about to go to a therapy session, followed by the dentist (two crowns which may turn into root canals). I am really not looking forward to leaving the house. Add that it is 8 degrees outside and I just want to crawl back under the covers. But alas, the bed is made, so I guess that won't be happening.

Is it crazy that I dread therapy more than the dentist? Talk about hitting nerves and digging around. It is so hard to be honest in there but I am really trying, especially since my insurance has run out and I am paying out of pocket for this. (But thank God for good dental insurance!)

A couple of weeks ago, my therapist mentioned that my husband is gay and that's not going to change. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not accepting this as reality. I mean if you asked me, "Is your husband gay?" I would say, "yes, I've known this for 3.5 years." And, "Do you think he is always going to be gay." I would say, "Yes - I truly accept this about him." But on a deeper emotional level I'm not sure that I believe it. Ouch.

Heidi