The Longest Advent Ever
Yesterday, the predictions were made and you could just feel it in the air that the snow was coming. And it did - ten and a half inches! - most of it overnight - and 35 mph winds and drifting. We made it to church and back and holed up for the day . . .cozy: Eddy's special Irish coffee (Bailey's + a shot of Dewar's); eight episodes of 30 Rock Season One (Eddy slept through 4 and 5); knitting - maybe I will finally finish this prayer shawl (don't know who I'm giving it to); our new little tree is up and pretty; should be doing Christmas cards.
Since "the revelation" (see my first post), the holidays have been melancholy. I can't help but wonder if this is our last Christmas as a family living under the same roof. I am finding the family Christmas letter impossible to write. This year we couldn't even bring ourselves to get out the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations (at least that is what it was for me). We bought a pretty 4 ft. pre-lit white feather tree instead (not the pink or blue one - $20.00 1/2 price at Michael's).
This is our fourth post-disclosure Christmas, and I don't feel any closer to knowing what I want. My head and my heart are on completely different wave-lengths. I feel pathetically and hopelessly stuck.
I keep thinking about something that Closeted Pastor blogged a couple of weeks ago:
". . .My ex had the courage to know that marriage to a woman who kept falling in love with other women was not what he wanted."
I keep telling myself that I need to not focus on figuring this out but need to know myself better, and then I will know what I want. . . what is right, and the courage will come.
Since "the revelation" (see my first post), the holidays have been melancholy. I can't help but wonder if this is our last Christmas as a family living under the same roof. I am finding the family Christmas letter impossible to write. This year we couldn't even bring ourselves to get out the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations (at least that is what it was for me). We bought a pretty 4 ft. pre-lit white feather tree instead (not the pink or blue one - $20.00 1/2 price at Michael's).
This is our fourth post-disclosure Christmas, and I don't feel any closer to knowing what I want. My head and my heart are on completely different wave-lengths. I feel pathetically and hopelessly stuck.
I keep thinking about something that Closeted Pastor blogged a couple of weeks ago:
". . .My ex had the courage to know that marriage to a woman who kept falling in love with other women was not what he wanted."
I keep telling myself that I need to not focus on figuring this out but need to know myself better, and then I will know what I want. . . what is right, and the courage will come.
I hate waiting.
Labels: christmas, self, the gay thing
posted by Heidi at
6:11 PM
3 Comments:
I have been having a melancholy Advent too. I have been having a lot of feelings about the loss of my marriage! It is all so, so complicated. But each of us has to travel our own journey... yours will be uniquely yours.
I keep you in prayer.
Pax, C.
My heart aches at this post for you my dear.The upside (yes there is always an upside), is that this too, shall pass. Prayers for you.
Holidays are so damn hard when things aren't the way we expect. Which is often the way it is. But not so drastically (in my experience.)
Sending love your way.
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