Monday, October 22, 2007

Am I just going through a phase?

From BBC News:
"The US may be one of the most religious countries in the West but is it undergoing a period of doubt."

Admittedly, I haven't read the entire article (yet), but skimming it, I am not surprised if only because of the number of bestsellers on the topic. Just go to Amazon.com and search "atheism" in books.

I tend to think that we doubters are just becoming more honest. In my case, I am being more honest with some people and not others, however. It is so easy to slip in and out of it. I have been going to church and Bible class before church the most regularly that I have been since "the revelation". I don't agree with everyone there about some things, and I let them know it (sometimes). But there is this bigger thing that I don't talk about: what if all of this isn't what we think that it is?

And then there is the side of me that wants to run as fast as I can back to how I believed before I was married - 17 years ago. I read my Bible and journaled my prayers and conversation with God almost every day. I believed that God had a plan for my life, that he heard my prayers, cared, and answered them sometimes. If he didn't, that only meant that he had a better idea. I felt safe.

I went to a funeral a month ago for the mother of a co-worker. The family was distraught, but knew that they would see their mother . . . aunt . . . friend again one day. I cried at that funeral - because I wanted to believe like that too. But I just couldn't.

Anyway, that is where I am right now -- which really is no place :)

A side note for my blog-friends:
I have been blog shy for the last three months. We seem to be still in a holding pattern. Eddy is very depressed. I am trying to be my self. Work is good, and that is holding me together right now. I hardly talk to my family. I don't know if that is good or bad. I have been going through an "Am I gay too?" phase. Eddy doesn't think that it is a phase. Right now it is the least of my concerns, I guess.

B

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3 Comments:

Blogger Cheryl said...

{{{{{{huge hugs}}}}}}
I have been reading your blog for a few years now and have commented a couple times (even made subject of a topic on your husband's blog!). Whether or not you are still a believer, just know that there are those who are praying for you- to have strength, grace, and courage through all of this situation. Hopefully I don't sound "stalker-ish"- it's just when you read someone's blog on a consistent basis and they are as brutally honest as you have been, you start to feel like you know them a little bit.

I am praying for your husband too- his earliest posts show a lot of the pain that is probably still there, but isn't talked about as much as it was in early 2006.

I truly hope that the 2 of you can come to a mutual decision of what to do and how to handle everything so you both get to be yourselves- apart or together- however you see fit.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 4:18:00 PM  
Blogger B said...

Cheryl, Thank you for your very kind words. I just looked through Eddy's blog and reread your headliner post. I completely "get" what you were saying and appreciate what you said.

Do you have an active blog? You should - you write well.

B

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 11:48:00 PM  
Blogger swandive said...

WOW! Look at you beautiful! Nice updated blog look, seems sort of fitting. And sooooo sooooo soooooo good to see you. I have missed you, something awful. Thanks for the update, and sometimes no 'news' is just fine. Thinking of you, smiling, and so happy to see you back.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 10:40:00 PM  

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