Saturday, April 21, 2007

dizzy

. . . and just as the merry-go-round was rounding the corner to "everything's relatively okay - our marriage isn't perfect, but i really love you - let's hang on" eddy read my last post - and got really really angry

it was the 2-and-a-half-year reference - which he interpreted as "she's not okay that i am gay - what else is she not telling me" or something like that

i can see how it read it that way - but that is not what i meant - everything has been soooo uber-emotional since he cracked that closet door open

and

he's tired of me and his therapist telling him to accept himself.

okay . . . truce

we are both on edge

i had a complete melt-down last night as he told me that no one has ever accepted him . . . what about ME? my fantasy has been to be so nice as to make up for all of the hurts from his past - and logically . . . he has been with me longer than his family, so what is the problem? (i know that it doesn't work that way) until i said something, i was so angry that i was dizzy - it was kind of freaking me out

we are both crazy on edge

but we are both not used to being open about our emotions with each other - we went for actual years without fighting for the first few years of our marriage - i'm not exaggerating - i don't like to fight - what is the point? maybe i should just go back to that - or not.

anyway

Bea

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4 Comments:

Blogger A Troll At Sea said...

Bea:

don't go back to tamping it all down. It sounds like you need to find a way to continue to talk to each other if you are going to be able to stay together, and that is something no therapist can do for you. No one can. It's between Himself and you.

I say this as someone who was unable to get over the mountain of baggage we had acquired over many years of neglect [first on one side, then on the other] and the resultant ill will, myself.

I was still staggered to find out that after over twenty-five years my soon-to-be ex-wife still completely misinterpreted things I said, just as she had at the beginning. But that was also a deep testimonial to her love: she had continued to love me all that time without ever understanding me. Wooooo.

So this is a tender area. Approach with caution. But if you don't approach, entropy will pull you apart. Your [pl] choice.

No fun being the punching bag, as many of my acquaintance could tell you.

Hang in there.
yr Troll

Sunday, April 22, 2007 12:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Kaliki said...

Bea, It's news to him that you are not OK with his being gay!!!?? (Trying not to scream)! It reminds me of when my husband said to me, "I'm about to give you a great gift. I'm gay." This was definitely the worst gift I ever got, bar none. Yeah, we love them, yeah, we are politically correct as we can be, but we are not OK that they are gay. It hurts, we feel rejected, we don't understand, we are aching, we are furious. Our universe is turned upside down. We suddenly realize we have spent our entire married lives with someone who would rather have been with a man. Wonder how it would have felt to be loved by a guy who could appreciate a woman?? I think I am sort of screaming now, but no caps for me. Sorry, guys, but it is not OK that you are gay after committiing years to a marriage and children. Thanks

Thursday, May 03, 2007 7:49:00 AM  
Blogger Nate said...

Kaliki (sorry for bypassing you here Bea),
Of course its not okay. Do you really think most of us guys watching our lives implode due to who we are think its all okay. Its a shared hell I'm sorry to say.

But it is okay to scream - caps would have been fine. I for one wouldn't blame you.
Nate

Wednesday, May 09, 2007 9:29:00 PM  
Blogger swandive said...

trying to coax you out - so you are tagged for fun. play wherever you want - if you want dear. just love hearing from you. Blessings always.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 2:24:00 PM  

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