Wednesday, April 11, 2007

blogger's block

i think that it has been four times now that i have told eddy that i can't live this way any more and that we need to plan a way to live separately

this morning was one of those times

i am afraid that i will backpeddle - again

about a month ago i told him that i felt more optimistic about us than i had since he came out to me - he reminded me of this this morning - i didn't tell him, but i had completely forgotten - what is up with that? i remember it now. it was predicated by my deciding to not obsess on making a decision, and by my having pulled away from him the month before.

i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of watching us die.

i'm ready for the end to end and the beginning to begin.

mostly i'm tired. the thought of dividing a household, moving . . . is exhausting, but so is the thought of being on the same merry-go-round 2 and a half years from now.

bea

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6 Comments:

Blogger A Troll At Sea said...

Bea:

I never know whether it is a bad sign that people aren't blogging, or a bad sign when they begin again.

You and Eddy are the only two people who can make the decisions that lie ahead. IT all takes time, and all it takes is time.

Things will become clear, one way or the other.

Choices are both ends and beginnings, and neither tells the whole story.

Hang in there.

T@C

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 10:31:00 PM  
Blogger grace said...

Bea,
I'd like to echo trolls thoughts about you and eddy being the only ones who can really decide all this...

I will say this....I had NO IDEA just how burdened I was by all the "stuff" I was dealing with until just recently. I'm coming out the other side of this tunnel...and things look brighter and clearer than ever. I pray the same for you.

love and grace,
pam

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 11:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Restored Vows said...

I would have to concur with both Troll and Grace.

My wife and I are now seperated with the divorce pending. Both of us have been on the emotional roller coaster and quite frankly I am wanting to get off!!!!!

My wife is both hurt and angry. Probably this was due to my own admission of adultery with another man. I am not proud of that fact...It just is.

My wife is the one that helped me move out of my home at the end of February. The momemt I got my own apartment is when I realized that the marriage was over.

Since the beginning of the year, I have came out to my wife, family, her family, and even my children. I no longer wanted to feel ashamed and trapped in a marriage that was borderline dysfunctional and unloving. That is not the model of a marriage I want for my children.

Only you and Eddy can make the decision to end your marriage. It will be stressful. It has been said that divorce is like a death....the death of a marriage. I am in the early stages of grieving mine....

Just remember to not lose your faith in this journey.....

RESTORED VOWS

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 2:39:00 PM  
Anonymous flip said...

Hi Bea,

It's good to hear from you again.

And just to remind you that there can be all sorts of outcomes, I'm still at home and my wife, kids and I are closer than I can ever remember us being.

It's been a long time since my wife and I first fell in love, but as things have healed and some of the dark clouds have lifted I am starting to remember why we fell in love...how it used to be. And each day I am more and more certain she is the person I want to grow old with.

I can't speak for her, but so far she has not burned my crap on the front lawn and changed the locks.

One day at a time, with the help of a higher power. That's what keeps me sober and also helps me make slow progress in growing up and thinking of other people for a change. Just so everyone knows...that last sentence was a comment on me only. Not anyone else's journey.

Hang in there...both of you.

Flip

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 12:22:00 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Hi Bea...

Haven't communicated with you and Eddy for quite some time.

I have no advice, just a lot of empathy for you both.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 4:02:00 PM  
Blogger Nate said...

I echo the thoughts that whatever is right for you and Eddy is all that matters. In some ways the more Carrie and I try to listen to all the voices, the more difficult it becomes.

The back pedalling is difficult and it has taken me some time to understand that while Carrie and I share a house and much of our lives, we are still separated and if we grow old together, it will be as old friends.

I would only add that the more Carrie and are honest with each other and those around us as to the basics (we are separated and I am gay), the easier it has become for us to remain friends.

Hell, she told another girlfriend this weekend and she knows a guy and they are working on fixing me up.

Will we be in the same house in a year or two. Absolutely no clue! But will we be honest with each other. I pray so.

My prayers remain with you. The "right" answer will only be found in yours and Eddy's hearts.

Nate

Thursday, April 19, 2007 5:00:00 PM  

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