re: I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.
In my last post one of my secrets was: "I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not."
I knowwww that it is not a decision. I really, really get that.
But right now while he definitely is gay, he is not acting gay in the truest sense of the word. And while he has pledged to remain committed to our marriage, is that fair to ask of him? Is it even fair to ask him to stay married?
I really don't believe that people should sacrifice any part of themselves for another person.
Let me change secret #18 to this: "I wish that Eddy would embrace himself as a gay person, whatever that means, love himself, and experience what life is supposed to be for him." or the short version "I wish that Eddy would be happy."
But it is not that so easy.
I knowwww that it is not a decision. I really, really get that.
But right now while he definitely is gay, he is not acting gay in the truest sense of the word. And while he has pledged to remain committed to our marriage, is that fair to ask of him? Is it even fair to ask him to stay married?
I really don't believe that people should sacrifice any part of themselves for another person.
Let me change secret #18 to this: "I wish that Eddy would embrace himself as a gay person, whatever that means, love himself, and experience what life is supposed to be for him." or the short version "I wish that Eddy would be happy."
But it is not that so easy.
Labels: the gay thing
posted by Heidi at
4:16 PM
10 Comments:
And while he has pledged to remain committed to our marriage, is that fair to ask of him? Is it even fair to ask him to stay married?
I really don't believe that people should sacrifice any part of themselves for another person.
You are so right (again!)
This thing is a monster to deal with, and only the two of you can write the script of how the story will wind up. Ultimately that’s what hit it home for me: losing my faith made me realize that I only have one life to live, that I wanted my wife to be happy as well, and to experience what it’s like to have a “straight” guy be totally into her. It was funny when she started dating, being showered with heterosexual love, and didn’t quite know how to make sense of it all. Like you, she has never had sex with a heterosexual guy, so the whole thing was a tad bit overwhelming for her (not that she had sex yet.) But she has her mojo and feels more fulfilled as a WOMAN than ever before. So, I agree with your “sacrifice” thought.
As for me: gay dating is a whole nother ball of wax.
As usual, your thoughts are touching, and I truly sense and experience your heart …
the other eddie
Hey Bea...
For me it came down to embracing life.
That meant embracing authenticity and the risk of emerging from a place of hiding... Embracing the values which had brought me to that point and discarding erstwhile truths about where my aptitudes and abilities laid.
I know it's not like this for every person who is coming out somewhere in mid-life, and perhaps it's better that I didn't understand the full extent of the process I was starting, but in the dozen years since I started coming out I've turned everything in my life over, examined it, picked away the stuff I didn't need or want, and the stuff that I thought I had wanted but simply didn't work.
It was about embracing myself as a gay man, and it was also about much more... the career, economics, home, geographic location, and relationship stuff has all evolved since then.
Nope, it's not that easy... I've gotten to know myself as a person, to be comfortable in my own skin and to experience my own soul in fresh and deeper ways. Some days I wish had turned out to be as simple as I had imagined 12 years ago... I had a vision of taking a year or two to become healthy as an independent person and ready for the long-term relationship which would ride off into the happily-ever-after sunset. The real-life version has turned out to have many more ups and downs, horrendous crises interjected between phases of incredible peace, ordinariness and contentment mixed with anxiety-ridden dysfunctions.
Anyway, I'm just babbling here... maybe none of this relates to where you and Eddy are at. Still, I wish you both peace and good stuff. I love the thoughtfulness with which you're engaged in the journey... that's not that easy, either, but it was nowhere to be found in what happened between me and my wife.
Why did you feel the need to change secret #18? It just states what you feel. Your change on that seems to be what is "correct" and not simply what IS for you. Please don't feel that you need to self-edit - esp. here, of all places.
Eddy,
You seem to imply that I am not telling the truth here - you say that I am changing my words to be more "correct".
The original #18 is true. AND so is the new #18. One is just more "raw" than the other. They are both heartfelt.
Would I mourn if you embraced yourself, found a lover, moved out, quit your job? . . . of course I would, but how different is that from what I am going through already?
You say that you don't want to lose things, but if you lose yourself, you will lose everything anyway. Please stop being miserable.
B
Good-God. What I meant was allow yourself to express raw emotion - unedited.
Bea:
My wife wanted me to embrace my gaynes...and to express myself. She would constantly say, "Just be who you are."
Easier said than done sometimes.
For me, I had lived behind a myriad of masks that society had thrown at me. I didn't know who I really was. ("Would the real Frank please stand up?")
I still struggle with this....
I thought that the gay issue was deal with in my marriage. I'd finally forced it on the back burner of my life where it had never been before. But Lovey's decision to leave push it up front and center again.
I didn't/don't like that.
I'm still struggling.
Novice therapist comment here:
Why don't you and Eddy set down and honestly talk with one another as compared to leaving blog comments or postings?
This form of communication seems to be very passive. You need to talk to one another -- face to face. While the blogs might be a good forum for public input, it should NOT be the only vehicle for genuine, heart-felt communication. Especially between two married people.
Maybe you are communicating and this is the "rerun" of the talks. My suspicions is that it is not.
Christian author, the late Ed Cole wrote a book called "Communication, Sex, and Money" as the Big Three areas that couples fight about. In my own marriage, we are currently dealing with all three!
Hang in there. My unsolicited advice: Talk to one another!
Restored:
I hope you realize that you've made an assumption in your comment regarding communication between B and me - and your assumption is very wrong.
We have been using this venue to share the process that we are going through privately.
It helps us know that we are not alone in what is happening and what we are feeling, and it seems to help other know that they are not alone, either.
Perhaps I should change the above pronouns to "I" instead of "we" as I have not consulted with B before posting this.
Bea/Eddy -
Thanks for setting me straight. It was hard to tell via the blog if there was acutal communication going on or not.
You are steps ahead of my own situation. At least Bea knows the truth about Eddy. My wife has some suspicions but currently is in denial. She has accused me of having an affair with a woman. I am not proud of my adultery with other men (I'm calling it what it is). I really wonder how being sexually abuse by my mom's bi boyfriend as a young teen plays into this mix. I'm sure this has had some factor in my current situation.
I don't identify myself as gay, but maybe I am in denial also. Most of my life has been surrounded by conservative thought:
growing up in the midwest, career in the military, conservative Christian conversion at age 21, versus professional training as a social worker that promotes diversity and advocates for gays and lesbians. Talk about polar opposites!
I know personally people who have left the gay/lesbian life and are now married with children. Both of these individuals are involved in conservative churches (mostly Baptist).
In my professional training, I was taught that you cannot change your sexual identity but you can change your behavior.
There are no easy answers. Mixing faith, family, children, same sex attraction, denial, and self questioning can be very frustrating for all parties involved. Today, I tend to have more questions than answers......
I appreciate the honesty and the frustration in both of your blogs.
Thanks for letting your readers be a part of your lives and the ongoing questions that you both have.
RV
Bea and Eddy,
A few years ago I thought that all I needed to do was get honest and I had the naive assumption that meant announcing to the world (my wife already knew) that I am gay and then leaving my wife and children to pursue a "gay lifestyle" whatever that is.
Now I know that being honest with myself includes acknowledging that I am not only gay (or bi or whatever) but I am a husband to a woman, I am married to her, I am a father, I am a recovering alcoholic, I am a student in spiritual preschool...on and on.
Bea, I disagree with your belief that people should not sacrifice any part of themselves for another person. Or maybe you and I are thinking of different definitions of the word "sacrifice." When my wife and I got married, we both knew of my attraction to men and we both knew that she is not a man. By getting married we agreed to sacrifice some individual things in order to spend our lives together. As far as I know, my wife has been true to that. Anyone who reads my blog knows I have not. But I would like to regain that sacrifice and commitment without feeling like either of us is diminished.
I'm not sure if this makes sense.
Hang in there you guys.
F
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