Sunday, July 02, 2006

what they said when i told them my husband is gay

Over the last two years, I have gone to people for support. Some of their responses have surprised me. Here they are (abbreviated) in roughly chronological order as accurately as I can remember them. I list the most helpful response last, though.

  • my friend, D: No! He can't be. It's just a phase.
  • my therapist (after I asked her, "What am I supposed to do with this information?): Just breathe.
  • my friend, S: I had a friend who went through that. It was really a beautiful story . . . blah, blah, blah (after divorcing, both the husband and wife end up in same sex relationships, they all get along, the husband dies, the funeral is beautiful)
  • my sister: I can see that. Are you going to leave? (or maybe it was, when will you leave?)
  • a local pastor (outside of our circle) who didn't know either of us: God wants us all to be whole people.
  • my friend, J: Oh, Bea! I am so sorry. He's such a great guy. We love Eddy. Do you think that you can stay together?
  • my professor (after I explained why I left class crying): Does he want out? (No, I replied) Well, you can't play for both teams!?
  • my friend, H: Oh, Bea! I am so sorry. But how could he have done anything else (but stay in the closet) with all of the bad religion you both were raised in?
  • my friend, S, a year later: Bea, I think that you just need to find someone else.
  • my friend, D, a year later: I still think that this is a phase.

But the best advice was given to me about a month after "the revelation". It was by a PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) volunteer, who seven (now nine) years ago went through all of this. She said, #1 the rollercoaster will stop. #2 don't listen to what anyone else says; you and Eddy have to do what is right for you, and it might not look like anything anyone else has ever done.





Blogger A Troll At Sea said...


I can't tell you how I look forward to the roller-coaster stopping. But I am not holding my breath.

The Troll

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger Bigg said...

I think that last bit of advice is probably the best. What works for you, works best. Don't let other people's opinions rule your life.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 10:37:00 AM  
Blogger Flip said...

I agree that the last piece of advice is the best. I think in my heart I have known this all along but it has taken my mind a long time to agree.

As always, thanks for posting!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 12:12:00 PM  
Blogger cocoa-bean said...

I totally agree with the last statement. When it comes down to it, couples are unique. Our relationship feels like an anomoly in the space time continuum since I read about similar circumstances, but we as a couple are just not like anything I've read so far. The problem is, I've read stuff and am totally thinking - "that's what will happen to us", and then I go into a funk, bracing myself for the same scene to happen to me - only to have Aaron say - they are not us. We're different.
Boy do I love him!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006 4:35:00 PM  
Blogger Eddy said...

I hate your sister.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 6:53:00 AM  
Blogger Restored Vows said...

At least Eddy still has a sense of humor...LOL!

There are no easy answers here, and the advice that you are getting is probably as diverse as people that have same sex attractions. At least you and Eddy are talking (or maybe blogging your thoughts) about this revelation.

Here's an interesting question: Has there been an increase of married men who struggle with same sex attraction due to access to the internet? For myself, the internet was the vehicle for my own infidelity via chatting which lead to a hookup. This is something that I am not proud of, especially in light of my own Christian faith.

Hang in there Bea.....and Eddie.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006 9:32:00 AM  

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