Monday, June 19, 2006

Pick ME! Pick ME!

doesn't it all really boil down to this . . .
"pick ME! pick ME!"
my silent mantra for the last week

at the end of the day, he has a simple choice . . .
ME or being gay. How can he not pick ME?!

in this crazy emotional soup,
"pick ME!" is lurking at the bottom of it all

I know that it is not this simple,
not nearly this simple
I want him to be himself,
his honest-to-god real self.

but . . .

however mentally unhealthy I know that it is,
I wish he would sacrifice himself for me - for us.

countless times, I have told him - (and still I really mean it)
don't hate yourself
god doesn't hate you, really he doesn't
he made you this way
you are most beautiful this way
I am not angry with you.

this is just what is.

but . . .

"pick ME!" is what is for me.

Bea

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4 Comments:

Blogger grace said...

Bea,
I completely understand you and this is SO normal for what you are going through. Here's the deal...with US my husband and i). I know it's different for everyone and I certainly respect your beliefs. This is NOT a sermon, just telling you the way we've done it and assuring you that it can be done and done well. Our marriage has become this amazing thing that I truly never imagined it could be.

Anyway....my husband and I have a common worldview concerning God/redemption/purpose. Our goal is to be reconciled to Him first and foremost. And so...for each of us, it's never really been about picking each other, it's about choosing Christ and His purposes for our lives. Come what may. (i say that alot but it's so fitting) No matter how difficult, how painful, what risks we must take, we're in. I'm not in it for him and he's not in it for me. Our individual relationships with Christ are the number one most important thing in each of our lives. And, our worldview tells us that God created us, man and woman, to live and love each other, to pleasure each other, to complete the picture of Him together. You may not share that worldview...which is fine.

I was the same as you in the beginning. I remember telling my husband on more than one occasion, "I love you, I will support you and continue to wish good for you if you choose to identify as gay." And I really would.

But now, we have this amazing thing....based not on pleasing each other...but pleasing God. And it works wonderfully for us and we in turn DO please each other.

I'm praying for you and your husband and will continue if that's okay. Please know that I'm supportive of you as individuals, whatever your decisions are regarding this issue.

love,
grace

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 10:11:00 AM  
Blogger Lance said...

I am gay ..and have been a Christian (long story).

"Pick me"...if said in a demanding manipulative tone is a poor argument to verbalise...but 'pick me'..if said as an expression of the pain that you're really feeling is a very persuasive argument.

I think one of the problems that arises for a gay man, is a false belief that women are inherently different...as promoted by the 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venue' genre of thinking.

I think that mindset is destructive in this situation and in the church generally...and your husband needs to know that you're a human being ..just like him...first and foremost above anything..beyond any of the cosmetic bodily differences that are over-exaggerated in the culture.

It doesn't mean that you imitate a guy ..to relax your husband...but he needs a gay guy to tell him that the differences he perceives between men and women are exaggerated in his head..and he needs a reality check.

He also needs a gay guy to tell him to stop looking at his gay orientation as a liability...but like he's been dealt a Royal Flush...in terms of having the credentials to genuinely minister to people who have brokenness in their lives.

Jesus' atoning blood sacrifice on the cross was for all sin of believers.......Christians seem to have a hard time in accepting the fullness of Christ's grace ...especially in areas of their lives that are 'naughty' sins...as opposed to ..well..I suppose 'godly' and 'church-approved' sins...like greed, being haughty, pride (an abomination in Proverbs 16:5..but a church-sanctified abomination).

Christ died for sexual sins and sexual sinners and made a special point of offering grace to those people.

Modern pharisees (church people) just need to deal with it.

Having said all that...I wouldn't kick Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt out of bed (except for snoring).

I'm another crazy mixed up critter like everyone else.


Lance
http://music.yahoo.com/launchcast/station.asp?u=1764227016

Tuesday, June 20, 2006 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Bigg said...

I am a bit confused. I understand your wish for your husband to love you and to remain married to you. But the very fact that you're in the current situation should underline the fact that he can't "choose" to be straight at the expense of himself -- it just won't work.
So, my question is this: would you be willing to stay with him if he did "pick" you, but also "picked" himself? Could you deal with his need to explore who and what he is? Or would it mean giving up himself all over again?
Truly, this is not a judgment. I am in a similar situation, and I would really like to know.
All my best to you.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006 12:56:00 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

One of the reasons why I like your blog, Bea, and in fact have recently referenced it in one of my blog posts, is that you give me insight into what my mom must have been going through during her marriage with my gay dad.

Gosh, in the midst of all that arguing with each other, my mom must have been so desperate to have her husband choose her.

As i think back on it, i remember feeling rejected by my dad too - when they chose to get divorced, I chose to live with my mom. I was bitter with him for so long because I felt like he gave me a guilt trip for not choosing him.

Now, I realize that he must have felt rejected as well - by me. He must have wanted me to stay with him and what I perceived as him rejecting me was actually him feeling hurt for not picking him.

I guess, in the end, we all just wanted to be picked. Wow, this is stirring alot in me so i may end up blogging again about this....

Thanks Bea!
Eric

Friday, June 23, 2006 12:07:00 PM  

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