Funkytown

I am definitely in a funk - and on the edge of a bigger funk. Emotionally, I feel like I am treading really hard just to keep my head above the water. I have been "hanging in there" for what seems like forever.

Two years of this rollercoaster is a very long time. Twice we have told our son that we are divorcing. Twice we have told him that we have changed our minds. This has to be Hell for him. A couple of weeks ago, I put a deposit on an apartment. I would have moved out this past Saturday. Now, I am in a completely different place with all of this, thinking, could this work out somehow?

And now, he is acting kind of withdrawn.

That, and this job-hunting is making me exteremely anxious. I have I don't know how many resumes out there. I got another rejection letter yesterday for something I can't believe that I didn't even get an interview for.

I had my third interview two days ago and expect to hear today or Monday. I am ambivalent about this job. It would take a lot of emotional energy. On the other hand, maybe it would pull me out of this funky place.

I am so restless. I can't concentrate at work. I check my email constantly. I can't do any work without listening to the radio or playing with a pen or something.

I feel compelled to eat. Yesterday, in the afternoon, I had the urge to eat something. I did what my therapist said to do - just sat there and got in tune with my body to figure out what was really going on - what I was trying not to think about. It was like opening a door to a room that I didn't want to go into, a room that was pitch black with maybe no floor. I felt sad, very very sad. I didn't keep that door open very long.

I am afraid that if I don't find a new job soon that I will sink deeper to the point of inertia - not sending out resumes. I am terrified of that.

I just want something good to happen. I am trying to make it happen. I guess that I feel worn down.

Sorry to be so gloomy,

B