Friday, April 28, 2006


I am definitely in a funk - and on the edge of a bigger funk. Emotionally, I feel like I am treading really hard just to keep my head above the water. I have been "hanging in there" for what seems like forever.

Two years of this rollercoaster is a very long time. Twice we have told our son that we are divorcing. Twice we have told him that we have changed our minds. This has to be Hell for him. A couple of weeks ago, I put a deposit on an apartment. I would have moved out this past Saturday. Now, I am in a completely different place with all of this, thinking, could this work out somehow?

And now, he is acting kind of withdrawn.

That, and this job-hunting is making me exteremely anxious. I have I don't know how many resumes out there. I got another rejection letter yesterday for something I can't believe that I didn't even get an interview for.

I had my third interview two days ago and expect to hear today or Monday. I am ambivalent about this job. It would take a lot of emotional energy. On the other hand, maybe it would pull me out of this funky place.

I am so restless. I can't concentrate at work. I check my email constantly. I can't do any work without listening to the radio or playing with a pen or something.

I feel compelled to eat. Yesterday, in the afternoon, I had the urge to eat something. I did what my therapist said to do - just sat there and got in tune with my body to figure out what was really going on - what I was trying not to think about. It was like opening a door to a room that I didn't want to go into, a room that was pitch black with maybe no floor. I felt sad, very very sad. I didn't keep that door open very long.

I am afraid that if I don't find a new job soon that I will sink deeper to the point of inertia - not sending out resumes. I am terrified of that.

I just want something good to happen. I am trying to make it happen. I guess that I feel worn down.

Sorry to be so gloomy,


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Blogger A Troll At Sea said...

Dear Bea,

welcome to the gloom team. I encourage you to stop by at "Troll at Sea" and find some of the stuff our companions in sorrow have offered.

My wife refuses to read my blog, and I think has decided it is The Enemy, which it definitely is NOT. I will try to get her to read YOURS. Well, all I would ask you to do is at least read my profile all the way through.

And yes, I too, had heard about church organists -- but ESPECIALLY Episcopalians...

Find yourself a really good laugh; my favorite suggestions are "Groundhog Day" and "Ruthless People", though G-D knows there are plenty of others.

Hang in there.
We are all in this with you.

The Once and Future Anglican

Friday, April 28, 2006 12:29:00 PM  
Anonymous AnnaB said...

Hi Bea,
My husband came out to me after 24 years of mariage and three children. He was my bery best friend and I loved him completely. It was the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me, becuse it seemed the very universe had turned upside down--I felt disoriented and betrayed. Was anything he ever said true? Your story is so familiar to me. You are right--I lost the past, the present and the future. I am ten years out from our divorce now, and I have moved on, but I feel these wounds will never really heal. I wish I could reach a hand out to you, but believe me, you have many sisters out here. Love, AnnaB

Friday, April 28, 2006 9:59:00 PM  
Blogger Nate said...

Hi Bea,
I normally do not try to "drive" people to my blog - they will read it or they will not. I am at least secure that way.

But I think the post I did this morning may interest you and your readership of wives. It is in a sense also my wife's post in that it covers where we go from here.

She is looking forward to checking out your blog - there has been a paucity of places for her to go where she can identify.
Thanks for sharing the other side.

Saturday, April 29, 2006 4:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Flip In Absentia said...

Hi Bea,

I got here on Troll's recommendation. My wife's and my story is slightly different from yours and Eddy's, but as usual in these situations the basic questions and conflicts are very similar. I am very happy to see a blog reflecting a wife's side of the story. In my case, usually when I make a bad decision (bad in the context of us staying together) it is partially because I am not acting with the compassion I should have. Perhaps it sounds goofy, but the more reminders I have of my wife's side of the story the better.

Since I am on vacation (I have a brief chance to check on blogland right now) my blog has a guest host, Brad. He is doing a great job of giving the perspective of someone whose parents divorced because the father came out of the closet. If anyone is less represented in these situations than the wives, it is the children. That is why I am so grateful that Brad is filling in for me.

I know you probably have more references to guys' blogs than you can keep up with, but I suggest you stop by mine while Brad is hosting. He is sharing some interesting things.

Hang in there.


Saturday, April 29, 2006 5:20:00 PM  

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