Sunday, April 23, 2006

If I love my gay husband, does that mean that everything is okay?

I reread my last post and it looked a hell of a lot too rosy.

So, I had to ask myself: If I love my gay husband, does that mean that everything is okay?
. . . and came up with more questions:
  • Is it okay that he doesn't have the insatiable urge to f*ck me? NO
  • Is it okay for me to live with him, just waiting for the other shoe to drop? NO
  • Is it okay for me to live with an angry and miserable man? NO
I don't like the other option either:
  • Moving out (The thought of moving makes me sick)
  • The financial strain that moving out would bring
  • Breaking up my family
  • The grief that my son and I would have to go through
  • Missing him
  • Missing being married to him
  • My religious parents being weird about the whole thing and wanting to spend more time with me
  • Upsetting his church
  • Missing people at church
  • People at church wondering what the hell happened? They seemed okay.
  • People at church figuring out that my husband is gay.
  • My husband losing his job (he is a pastor) because he is gay (even though he hasn't done anything)
  • The whole mess putting him over the edge to the point where he kills himself
My therapist says:
  • It is not my job to fix him.
  • Trying to protect him doesn't help him.
  • He would find ways to deal with all of it.
  • And that I can't keep him alive.
Maybe we can find a way to live together.
Maybe we can't.

If we stay together are we both in denial?

What sucks is that I really do love him. Damn it.

What was he thinking?

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6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your blog. I agree with your therapist it is not your job to protect him. It will not help your recovery. I spent about 7 years feeling like I was also in the closet, as a ex spouse of a gay man. It has effected my health, my self esteem, my relationships and ability to form new close friendships. So I am not doing it anymore! I wish I would of told people sooner. It is your life, to do as you feel fit. I think being honest will set you free!

Sunday, April 23, 2006 7:58:00 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

B,

I don't have any answers. I would hate to come across like I do.

Your story has really touched my heart. I don't know why I'm so moved by the struggles that homosexuals face in this country. I'm happily married and the issue has never touched my family, but I have a couple of friends who are gay and it's really opened my eyes to the world they live in (and the world we help create, or at least perpetuate).

I'm also a Christian. I can't shake it. Half the time my heart rips in two as I live with the stupidity of those around me in the church. But I have to admit that some of that stupidity comes from me too, and people still love me. Thus I stay.

It's amazing how getting married opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of my humanity. What it feels like to love another person when things go well, and how difficult it can be to forgive when things are hard. I've often been moved to tears by the experience of giving and receiving love.

I'm slightly troubled by the people who encourage you to end your marriage. At the same time, I could understand that you might find yourself at that point. But I think marriage is such a great thing, and although no one would deny the importance of sex, marriage is so much more than just sex.

I imagine you've come to this realization, but if you remain married to your husband, sex will always be less than what it should be in a good marriage. It will never live up to the "ideal." But in every relationship, something doesn't live up to the ideal.

It sounds like there are so many things you love about your husband. It sounds like he's been faithful, primarily because he truly does love you. As much as he wants to have sex with a man, as much as he thinks that would feel good, he values you and the life you've built together more. That's honorable.

Again, forgive me if I'm speaking gibberish from my ignorance. I don't know you or the situation.

But it sounds like there are a lot of good things about your husband. Yes, accepting that sex will never be what it should between you is surely gut wrenching. Its enough to make you angry, hurt, and depressed. But you may find that you can still move forward and continue to share a life with the person who love, being thankful for all the other good qualities he has.

I pray for both of you, and I truly hope that your marriage can last.

Monday, April 24, 2006 9:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Monday, April 24, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Monday, April 24, 2006 9:39:00 AM  
Blogger Facets of V said...

Life can throw us such curves can't it? I just found your blog, I'll be back.

Monday, April 24, 2006 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger Bi_Gentleman said...

My god I could do coffee with you. Strangely Im your husband in so many ways. I was also a church minister, and am also out to my wife.

Check out my blog: http://bimarriedandhonest.blogspot.com/ Send me an email and maybe we can do a virtual coffee by msn!!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 12:09:00 AM  

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