Saturday, April 22, 2006

Could I ever love a straight man?

First, I want to thank everyone for all of their kind comments. I will try to keep writing.

I have been asking myself --- how could I not have realized that my own husband is gay? We had known each other for eighteen years before he came out to me. When he told me, I was shocked, but at the same time not entirely surprised. His confession seemed to make a million things make sense, two in particular:
  • his self-loathing
  • our sex life for the last half of our marriage

I always knew . . . that something was bugging him. I just did not know what it was. I never suspected (consciously at least) that he was gay. Looking back, there were certainly clues, but out of context, the "clues" could have been anything. And there were plenty of reasons for me to believe that he wasn't gay.

The clues:

  • On our wedding night, I had a dream about his best friend from high school "L" (who is gay). I dreamed that L's penis was about three feet long and looked like Pinnochio's nose (when lying). Was that a subconscious clue?
  • E's best friend from college, "M" is also gay. (Although neither ever knew the other was gay).
  • E broke up with me three times before our final engagement. He always said that I could "do better than him."
  • His sibs all gossiped that he broke our first engagement because he was gay.
  • He has a better sense of style than I do and likes shopping just as much as I do.
  • He was a church organist (apparently, the most sure sign, I am told).
  • He was in school musicals.
  • He subscribed to Martha Stewart Living.
  • He did not have guy friends.
  • He looks great in pink.
  • I was the first girl that he had ever dated.
  • He had told me that before he met me he did not think that he would ever get married.
  • He hates sports.
  • He has the best handwriting of anyone in our generation that I have ever known.
  • The only lingerie that he has ever bought for me (and it has only been twice) has had long pants.

On the other hand:

  • I was and still am more attracted, sexually, to him than any other guy I have ever known.
  • There was definitely some kind of chemistry for both of us. While he did not pressure me for sex while dating (like other guys that I dated), he certainly wasn't shy and we certainly were not innocent. And our religious beliefs called for no sex before marriage anyway.
  • For many years, our sex life was completely normal. When it stopped being normal, there were particular health and medication reasons that would explain away any lack of sex drive.
  • The lack of lingerie I ascribed to him not treating me as a crass sex object. He has always respected me as a person, has not been paternalistic.
  • Wearing pink, being a church organist, having cold feet, great handwriting, even subscribing to Martha . . . possible clues maybe, but not solid evidence of anything.
  • I always believed that he was the most honest and trustworthy person I had ever known; certainly, there had never been any reason for me not to have trusted him. I thought that I knew him inside out.

And . . . when I fell in love with him, I fell in love with all of the "gay" things about him. In fact, it is those things that I love the most about him. I can't imagine being with some left-brained guy who understands football, doesn't love literature, hates to shop, and never cries.



Blogger cocoa-bean said...

Hi Bea, (I'm spiritual thought for the day)
I could so relate to this post I had to laugh. Particularly going through your list of "clues"
for my part:
He was a church organist (I was never told this was a sign!).
I was the first girl that he had ever dated. (Mind you, he was the first guy I'd ever dated as well, and I for sure like guys!)
He hates sports. (with the exception of World Cup Soccer)
He has never bought me lingerie!
He is one kickin cook (I can cook rice and eggs, and for the good of our neigbours I stay out of the kitchen for fear of burning down the house)
He's the food police - makes sure we are all eating a balanced diet, enough protein, ruffage, etc. (I can live on oreos and chocolate bars, though as the years go on, I only like his bread as opposed to the one at the store)
He's sensitive and sympathetic.
He's gentle in temperment (as opposed to the storm that I am)
He rarely ever raises his voice (but I make enough noise for the both of us and more)
He's not great with mechanical stuff (I'm reasonable.)
He states a problem and I try to fix it - and he doesn't want his problems fixed - he just wants me to listen. (classic reversal of men are from mars)
He reads to our kids - I wrestle and play rough with them.
If someone threatened us, he'd be diplomatic and talk to them so nicely they'd forget why they were mad - me? I'd just bash them over the head with something until they begged me to stop.
My mother in law told me years ago that maybe we both should have had sex changes.
Just so you know, I'm not butch or anything. I just grew up with older brothers.
I just love him. He completes me. I asked God for the perfect guy for me, and he is who God provided me with. We love each other deeply. Based on that, something good will come, I'm sure.
I can well identify with all you are going through. The roller coaster ride from hell. For me it's Suicide villa one day, Euphoria street the next. Just hang in there Bea - you are not alone!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006 11:33:00 PM  

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