Okay . . .

I am in a better place today. I hate when things are unresolved. Three things have been resolved since my last (real) post.

1. I found out that I did not get the job that I interviewed for (which is okay because I was ambivalent about it but it would be nice to have the job search resolved)
2. I took my final and finished my class (webcoding I - I start webcoding II in a couple of weeks if I don't drop it)
3. Eddy got over being pissed about the whole history thing (I think)

I go into this vortex downward-spiral panic depression thing when we are on the outs. At the height of this conflict (Friday night) I wanted to scream, choke him, walk out, cut my hair off, smash something, throw up, drive into a tree . . . . Yikes. Instead I didn't yell, didn't say anything, and cried a little (no noise).

He walked out (to go pick up a prescription from the drug store - I knew that is where he was going, so that was okay). I cried a little more and then pulled myself together, so I could study for my exam. I also knew enough to know that my spiral would blow over before too long. It is like bracing myself for a wave in the ocean.

When he came back, he seemed to be rather over being pissed and then I felt okay.

I hate that my emotions are tied to his sometimes. I like to think that I am getting over that. If I were really over that, instead of crying quietly, I would have defended myself more and fought with him. BUT a year ago I would have been apologizing all over myself instead of crying. Maybe I am making progress after all.

My Mother was (what am I saying? - IS) a yeller, and I have sworn up and down to never be like that. But her results and mine are really the same - we aren't heard. My Dad blows it off and doesn't listen to her because she is hysterical.

Anyway, (how did I get to talking about my Mother?) . . . anyway, just because someone (a wife for example) isn't saying anything, doesn't mean that everything is okay.

B