Sunday, April 30, 2006

Okay . . .

I am in a better place today. I hate when things are unresolved. Three things have been resolved since my last (real) post.
  1. I found out that I did not get the job that I interviewed for (which is okay because I was ambivalent about it but it would be nice to have the job search resolved)
  2. I took my final and finished my class (webcoding I - I start webcoding II in a couple of weeks if I don't drop it)
  3. Eddy got over being pissed about the whole history thing (I think)
    I go into this vortex downward-spiral panic depression thing when we are on the outs. At the height of this conflict (Friday night) I wanted to scream, choke him, walk out, cut my hair off, smash something, throw up, drive into a tree . . . . Yikes. Instead I didn't yell, didn't say anything, and cried a little (no noise).

    He walked out (to go pick up a prescription from the drug store - I knew that is where he was going, so that was okay). I cried a little more and then pulled myself together, so I could study for my exam. I also knew enough to know that my spiral would blow over before too long. It is like bracing myself for a wave in the ocean.

    When he came back, he seemed to be rather over being pissed and then I felt okay.

    I hate that my emotions are tied to his sometimes. I like to think that I am getting over that. If I were really over that, instead of crying quietly, I would have defended myself more and fought with him. BUT a year ago I would have been apologizing all over myself instead of crying. Maybe I am making progress after all.

    My Mother was (what am I saying? - IS) a yeller, and I have sworn up and down to never be like that. But her results and mine are really the same - we aren't heard. My Dad blows it off and doesn't listen to her because she is hysterical.

    Anyway, (how did I get to talking about my Mother?) . . . anyway, just because someone (a wife for example) isn't saying anything, doesn't mean that everything is okay.

    B

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4 Comments:

Blogger cocoa-bean said...

Hey B,
I so know what you're talking about. Last week I was just about suicidal - almost the same kinds of emotions. Aaron made me promise not to hurt myself - it was so hard because when I get to that state, my rational mind is hanging on by a string with the tensile strengh of the strings you pull off a banana.
I want to know, but I don't, but I'm Pandora, I'm curious. Then when I know, I seem to react 2 weeks later, and it makes Aaron want to retreat because of the pain I'm going through to work it out.
Guess we are all having great excercises in patience and understanding.

Monday, May 01, 2006 4:40:00 PM  
Blogger Eddy said...

Soooo . . .

I would be right in calling J "Ol' Yeller"???

BTW, D doesn't ignore her because she's hysterical . . . she's hysterical because D ignores her.

Monday, May 01, 2006 9:51:00 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

cocoa-bean,

I know exactly what you mean about reacting later. I sometimes need to react - - - but I don't, or I hesitate doing so because I don't want Eddy to take a step backwards. Thank you for sharing your pain with me. I can't tell you how much that helps.

About the suicidal feelings, it helped me when I realized why I have them - - - I do not know what to do with my anger. I don't want to hurt Eddy with it, so I turn it inward. When I tell myself, I'm not going to let my anger at him destroy myself, then I feel like I have a better handle on it.

Peace to you. Email me if you want to.

B

Monday, May 01, 2006 10:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey B, thank you for blogging. I am a Pastor as well like your husband and am a closted "bisexual" in a married relationship to my wife. Our situation is different from yours but I can relate to you and eddy. I will keep reading.

Erodoux
http://lifeajar.wordpress.com

Tuesday, May 02, 2006 2:17:00 AM  

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