The terribly boring secrets of a pastor's wife.

In honor of turning 40 this summer, here are 40 secrets about me:

1. I am afraid of losing weight because I think that it will turn me into a slut.
2. At least once a year, I buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple, and throw the rest of the pack away.
3. I can't stand not being the boss at work because I think that I could do everything better.
4. I am afraid that if I enforce the rules at work (the library) that people (that I don't even care about) won't like me.
5. I wish that I could just stop going to church altogether.
6. I am afraid of not believing in God.
7. I don't believe in God.
8. I don't believe in anything supernatural.
9. I feel like I can't help but believe in God.
10. I love it when I am sick.
11. I wish that we would have more children, but I am afraid that they would be psychotic .
12. Sometimes when Eddy is snoring and I can't fall asleep, I fantasize about smothering him with his pillow.
13. I feel like a loser because I don't make as much money as I used to and have been unable to break back into my former profession.
14. I wish that I didn't have to work for a living.
15. I wish that our cat would run away . . . or something.
16. I can't stop buying new notebooks.
17. I keep starting new blogs.
18. I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.
19. I love my hair.
20. I really hate baby boomers.
21. I am terrified of what will happen once the "Greatest Generation" is extinct.
22. I wish that I had gone to seminary for an M.Div. and ordination when Eddy did.
23. I am afraid that I will die a penniless homeless person.
24. I keep dreaming that I am trying to go somewhere.
25. I love Eddy just as much as I did before he told me that he is gay, maybe more.
26. I wish that I had my own bedroom.
27. I think that my parents are FUBAR.
28. I am always afraid that I am about to be fired.
29. I love to throw up. I think about it all of the time. (I haven't done it in years).
30. Sometimes, I am attracted to women.
31. I just can't believe that I am really going to die some day.
32. Sometimes during church, I fantasize about streaking during the sermon.
33. I absolutely hate doing altar guild (setting out and cleaning up communion).
34. Sometimes I wish that the world would just blow up already.
35. I have never had sex with a straight man.
36. I often have the urge to shoplift (I have only done it twice).
37. Spending money makes me feel safe.
38. I don't trust men, especially straight men.
39. I drive wayyyy over the speed limit on the freeway.
40. ?????????????????