Sunday, August 13, 2006

The terribly boring secrets of a pastor's wife.

In honor of turning 40 this summer, here are 40 secrets about me:
  1. I am afraid of losing weight because I think that it will turn me into a slut.
  2. At least once a year, I buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple, and throw the rest of the pack away.
  3. I can't stand not being the boss at work because I think that I could do everything better.
  4. I am afraid that if I enforce the rules at work (the library) that people (that I don't even care about) won't like me.
  5. I wish that I could just stop going to church altogether.
  6. I am afraid of not believing in God.
  7. I don't believe in God.
  8. I don't believe in anything supernatural.
  9. I feel like I can't help but believe in God.
  10. I love it when I am sick.
  11. I wish that we would have more children, but I am afraid that they would be psychotic .
  12. Sometimes when Eddy is snoring and I can't fall asleep, I fantasize about smothering him with his pillow.
  13. I feel like a loser because I don't make as much money as I used to and have been unable to break back into my former profession.
  14. I wish that I didn't have to work for a living.
  15. I wish that our cat would run away . . . or something.
  16. I can't stop buying new notebooks.
  17. I keep starting new blogs.
  18. I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.
  19. I love my hair.
  20. I really hate baby boomers.
  21. I am terrified of what will happen once the "Greatest Generation" is extinct.
  22. I wish that I had gone to seminary for an M.Div. and ordination when Eddy did.
  23. I am afraid that I will die a penniless homeless person.
  24. I keep dreaming that I am trying to go somewhere.
  25. I love Eddy just as much as I did before he told me that he is gay, maybe more.
  26. I wish that I had my own bedroom.
  27. I think that my parents are FUBAR.
  28. I am always afraid that I am about to be fired.
  29. I love to throw up. I think about it all of the time. (I haven't done it in years).
  30. Sometimes, I am attracted to women.
  31. I just can't believe that I am really going to die some day.
  32. Sometimes during church, I fantasize about streaking during the sermon.
  33. I absolutely hate doing altar guild (setting out and cleaning up communion).
  34. Sometimes I wish that the world would just blow up already.
  35. I have never had sex with a straight man.
  36. I often have the urge to shoplift (I have only done it twice).
  37. Spending money makes me feel safe.
  38. I don't trust men, especially straight men.
  39. I drive wayyyy over the speed limit on the freeway.
  40. ?????????????????

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Blogger Restored Vows said...

Bea -

You truly are a complex individual. I saw a mixture of humor and pain in your postings.

Doubt can sometimes be as strong of a pull as faith itself. Thomas doubted. If a disciple that was in the company of Jesus doubted, we (who are many centuries removed) might justifiably have doubts too. I do believe that God can honor our doubt. wife hates my snoring too.

Hang in there girl......

Monday, August 14, 2006 5:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Paul said...

I want to comment, but I don't know what to say that wouldn't sound judgmental -- and I'm truly not. I'm not in your shoes.

So, let me just say: your secrets are no longer secret, and they surely aren't terribly boring (maybe surprising though).

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 9:36:00 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

B, I think you are absolutely fabulous.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 4:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Swandive said...

Rock on you brave soul. Your thoughts touch dark places I have only dared to think about. Bless you, and your unbelief, belief, unbelief, belief...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006 6:24:00 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Happy 40th B. May your next 40 be filled with things you love (maybe not being sick and vomiting...) and may your wishes come true (with the exception of the destruction of planet earth...)

Thanks for sharing your very unboring secrets. I promise not to tell anyone.

Sunday, August 20, 2006 5:16:00 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...


Perhaps despite not wanting to be gay, Eddie finds that he still is anyway.

My daughter wanted to be black once, but it didn't work.

Sunday, August 20, 2006 6:16:00 PM  
Blogger eddie{F} said...


You heart, spirit and raw honesty is very refreshing. I wish all the best for you!

Monday, August 21, 2006 1:11:00 AM  
Blogger Frank said...


Happy Birthday...

You certainly have led a life that is far from boring!

Just keep in mind....Eddy can't choose to be gay or not......he is gay. He just can choose to act out or not.

Stay safe....



Thursday, August 24, 2006 9:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God loves you no matter what you do... even if you become a slut... which i seriously doubt would ever happen... but if it did... that's ok too.


Monday, September 18, 2006 12:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Barbara said...

OMG!Hysterical! Except for the gay husband thing (and you never know) you could have been writing my secrets too and hundreds of other women's, if they are honest. Thank you for putting those down on paper. I don't feel evil anymore, just vindicated. Your honesty is so refreshing!

Friday, November 10, 2006 8:12:00 AM  

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