The Longest Advent Ever

Yesterday, the predictions were made and you could just feel it in the air that the snow was coming. And it did - ten and a half inches! - most of it overnight - and 35 mph winds and drifting. We made it to church and back and holed up for the day . . .cozy: Eddy's special Irish coffee (Bailey's + a shot of Dewar's); eight episodes of 30 Rock Season One (Eddy slept through 4 and 5); knitting - maybe I will finally finish this prayer shawl (don't know who I'm giving it to); our new little tree is up and pretty; should be doing Christmas cards.

Since "the revelation" (see my first post), the holidays have been melancholy. I can't help but wonder if this is our last Christmas as a family living under the same roof. I am finding the family Christmas letter impossible to write. This year we couldn't even bring ourselves to get out the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations (at least that is what it was for me). We bought a pretty 4 ft. pre-lit white feather tree instead (not the pink or blue one - $20.00 1/2 price at Michael's).

This is our fourth post-disclosure Christmas, and I don't feel any closer to knowing what I want. My head and my heart are on completely different wave-lengths. I feel pathetically and hopelessly stuck.

I keep thinking about something that Closeted Pastor blogged a couple of weeks ago:
". . .My ex had the courage to know that marriage to a woman who kept falling in love with other women was not what he wanted."

I keep telling myself that I need to not focus on figuring this out but need to know myself better, and then I will know what I want. . . what is right, and the courage will come.

I hate waiting.

Affair With Self

2007-11-18-014_1 London Stormy sunrise Shepherds Bush
Originally uploaded by Martin-James

I attended a different (not Eddy's) church yesterday and it felt like cheating.

If I put myself first, I feel like I am cheating. It kind of feels like I am having an affair with MYSELF. How is this possible?

I need to snap out of this (the guilt). An affair with myself would probable be a good thing.

Heidi

if i'm not okay, that's okay too

This week I read The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It is an astounding memoir. Jeannette and her siblings are severely neglected by their parents. When she is three years old, she is standing on a chair boiling hot dogs when her dress catches on fire. She ends up in the hospital with severe burns. She writes:

I could tell that I was causing a big fuss, and I stayed quiet. One of them [nurses] squeezed my hand and told me I was going to be okay.

"I know," I said, "but if I'm not, that's okay too."

My childhood was paradise compared to Ms. Wall's, but I understand this little girl completely. Throughout the book she takes care of everyone else before herself. This is a hard habit to break. I see myself doing this all of the time. In the immortal words of Dr. Phil, How is this working for me?

B

The terribly boring secrets of a pastor's wife.

In honor of turning 40 this summer, here are 40 secrets about me:

1. I am afraid of losing weight because I think that it will turn me into a slut.
2. At least once a year, I buy a pack of cigarettes, smoke a couple, and throw the rest of the pack away.
3. I can't stand not being the boss at work because I think that I could do everything better.
4. I am afraid that if I enforce the rules at work (the library) that people (that I don't even care about) won't like me.
5. I wish that I could just stop going to church altogether.
6. I am afraid of not believing in God.
7. I don't believe in God.
8. I don't believe in anything supernatural.
9. I feel like I can't help but believe in God.
10. I love it when I am sick.
11. I wish that we would have more children, but I am afraid that they would be psychotic .
12. Sometimes when Eddy is snoring and I can't fall asleep, I fantasize about smothering him with his pillow.
13. I feel like a loser because I don't make as much money as I used to and have been unable to break back into my former profession.
14. I wish that I didn't have to work for a living.
15. I wish that our cat would run away . . . or something.
16. I can't stop buying new notebooks.
17. I keep starting new blogs.
18. I wish that Eddy would just decide if he wants to be gay or not.
19. I love my hair.
20. I really hate baby boomers.
21. I am terrified of what will happen once the "Greatest Generation" is extinct.
22. I wish that I had gone to seminary for an M.Div. and ordination when Eddy did.
23. I am afraid that I will die a penniless homeless person.
24. I keep dreaming that I am trying to go somewhere.
25. I love Eddy just as much as I did before he told me that he is gay, maybe more.
26. I wish that I had my own bedroom.
27. I think that my parents are FUBAR.
28. I am always afraid that I am about to be fired.
29. I love to throw up. I think about it all of the time. (I haven't done it in years).
30. Sometimes, I am attracted to women.
31. I just can't believe that I am really going to die some day.
32. Sometimes during church, I fantasize about streaking during the sermon.
33. I absolutely hate doing altar guild (setting out and cleaning up communion).
34. Sometimes I wish that the world would just blow up already.
35. I have never had sex with a straight man.
36. I often have the urge to shoplift (I have only done it twice).
37. Spending money makes me feel safe.
38. I don't trust men, especially straight men.
39. I drive wayyyy over the speed limit on the freeway.
40. ?????????????????