the advantages of being married to a gay man

i don't have to hear "touch-down" screamed from the other room
i don't have to look at him in tightie-whities
he cleans the bathrooms
he irons
he can tell me if my outfit looks stupid
he likes to shop as much as i do
he has great penmanship
we are emotionally connected
i haven't needed birth control for the past ten years
he doesn't ever look at other women

but i would trade all of this in a new york minute to catch him looking at me