Monday, January 01, 2007

on accepting a gay husband who doesn't accept himself

Not too long ago, a kind, but anonymous commenter responded to "Honey He's Gay" with: "do yourself a favour & simply accept what you cannot change about your husband & start divorce proceedings as quickly & painlessly as possible"

When I read this, I felt defensive. I remember thinking, I DO accept him the way that he is. Heck, I am far more accepting of him than he is of himself.

But then I am angry and upset at his lack of sexual desire and attraction to me. What am I expecting?

Does accepting what I cannot change = starting divorce proceedings?

If I truly accepted him . . . would I divorce him even if that is not what he wants?

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8 Comments:

Anonymous Steve Boese said...

For me, the core question was, "What do I need to do in order to be reasonably healthy and productive for my family and myself?" For some the question is about being contented, or happy, or seeking meaning, intimacy, or companionship.

What are your core questions? Do changes need to be considered and/or pursued in order to answer them?

Best of the best to you, Bea...

Monday, January 01, 2007 4:51:00 PM  
Blogger Flip said...

Best wishes for the new year to you, Bea. And to Eddy too.

These are not simple situations. There are no cookie-cutter answers either.

Monday, January 01, 2007 6:31:00 PM  
Blogger grace said...

i do hesistate to comment...even though i always do...but i know your circumstance so well....

and i can tell you that i felt the exact same way...as if I were much more accepting of "the gay thing" than he was....

until....as you may know, he became completely accepting of it and left...which was still a relief, even though horrifically painful....

it's a weird life full of paradox that we know...

i understand you.

pam

Monday, January 01, 2007 7:45:00 PM  
Anonymous eddie(F) said...

If I truly accepted him . . . would I divorce him even if that is not what he wants?
Forgive me for “butting” in, (no pun intended) but this is not about what he wants, but what YOU want.

Maybe you are the kind of woman that can live the rest of your live unsatisfied in what you deserve sexually/mentally/emotionally as a heterosexual woman being tied up in a relationship with a gay man, or maybe you become so frustrated that “out” is the only alternative for you as well. Maybe you are so wrapped up in what is, a little afraid of what might be and all the stuff in between. None of us really know the choice you need to make, but one thing that I can tell you that will make all the difference for you, is this:

DO what is in YOUR heart …

Lots of Care!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007 12:26:00 AM  
Blogger Swandive said...

My heart just hurts for you dear one. I can't imagine what life is like for you. What I know is that not doing anything, will not make this go away. Life in limbo-land is no life at all. And dear, you deserve to be held, snuggled, adored, kissed and to be the one that your love can't wait to see at the end of the day.

((((Bea)))))))

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 5:50:00 PM  
Blogger Nate said...

Bea-
It is an interesting thought - wives more accepting of the husband's gayness than the husband. Very true - for so many reasons it is terrifying to us - admitting emotionally what we know is really okay intellectually, afraid that once we admit it, the marriage no longer has the same foundation.

This unwillingness to admit - probably our worst quality and makes it hard to move on.

I do not know all your circumstances - share a bed, sex, etc. But while I feel like I am negotiating against myself, I love and respect the new Carrie more for taking a position that she has inherent value and wants to be number 1, not a second choice.

Good luck with the new year, and I did not mind your pointing out my "cruelty" - it is not intended but seems inherent in the denial many of us men grapple with.

Nate

Wednesday, January 03, 2007 9:07:00 PM  
Blogger Aaron said...

Although obviously I'm on the other side of this situation, in a way we're all struggling with the same question: can we / should we maintain our marriage in spite of the fact that one of us is gay? Is there something better for us (and our children) beyond the marriage or should we be hanging onto all the good things we do have at all costs?

The title of this post gives me pause. What does it mean for me to accept that I am gay? Or for my wife to accept it? Is it possible for either of us to really accept it and stay married to each other? Not long ago, I would have unhesitatingly answered "yes", but now I'm not so sure. Trouble is, I suspect the answer is different for different people, or even for the same people at different stages in their lives or under different circumstances.

One thing is certain, though: staying in limbo isn't good for anyone.

Take care. I'm thinking about you both.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 1:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

If he can't be a husband to you in all facets and fashions, but doesn't *want* a divorce, I think that is incredibly selfish on his behalf. He's asking you (who has a right to a satisfying marriage- however you choose to define it) to give up what you have a right to as stated in your vows (I assume) and as stated in the Bible (which, his being a pastor, he may have more than a passing knowledge of those passages ;-)).

I am not in favor of divorce by any stretch, but in certain circumstances (again, mine are directed biblically, so that's the angle I am coming from), such as spousal cheating OR refusal to partake of husband/wife sex (or abuse), it's permissible.

THIS IS NOT A GAY ISSUE- I feel the same way with hetero couples where one person refuses to have sex- it's a right given to you by marriage (no, I am not up for a pre/extra marital sex debate), and if that isn't being met, there are grounds for a divorce.

I can't imagine in my wildest dreams what you must be going through, but I just wanted to throw those ideas out there- don't settle for mediocre if you have a chance to have a "real" marriage (if that's what you want). If you are happy and content with the way things are and don't want to change it, great! But I don't think you'd have a blog of this nature if you were...
(hope this doesn't sound harsh- it's not intended to be, just honest and not sugar coated).

Monday, January 15, 2007 4:33:00 AM  

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