Am I just going through a phase?
From BBC News:
"The US may be one of the most religious countries in the West but is it undergoing a period of doubt."
Admittedly, I haven't read the entire article (yet), but skimming it, I am not surprised if only because of the number of bestsellers on the topic. Just go to Amazon.com and search "atheism" in books.
I tend to think that we doubters are just becoming more honest. In my case, I am being more honest with some people and not others, however. It is so easy to slip in and out of it. I have been going to church and Bible class before church the most regularly that I have been since "the revelation". I don't agree with everyone there about some things, and I let them know it (sometimes). But there is this bigger thing that I don't talk about: what if all of this isn't what we think that it is?
And then there is the side of me that wants to run as fast as I can back to how I believed before I was married - 17 years ago. I read my Bible and journaled my prayers and conversation with God almost every day. I believed that God had a plan for my life, that he heard my prayers, cared, and answered them sometimes. If he didn't, that only meant that he had a better idea. I felt safe.
I went to a funeral a month ago for the mother of a co-worker. The family was distraught, but knew that they would see their mother . . . aunt . . . friend again one day. I cried at that funeral - because I wanted to believe like that too. But I just couldn't.
Anyway, that is where I am right now -- which really is no place :)
A side note for my blog-friends:
I have been blog shy for the last three months. We seem to be still in a holding pattern. Eddy is very depressed. I am trying to be my self. Work is good, and that is holding me together right now. I hardly talk to my family. I don't know if that is good or bad. I have been going through an "Am I gay too?" phase. Eddy doesn't think that it is a phase. Right now it is the least of my concerns, I guess.
B
"The US may be one of the most religious countries in the West but is it undergoing a period of doubt."
Admittedly, I haven't read the entire article (yet), but skimming it, I am not surprised if only because of the number of bestsellers on the topic. Just go to Amazon.com and search "atheism" in books.
I tend to think that we doubters are just becoming more honest. In my case, I am being more honest with some people and not others, however. It is so easy to slip in and out of it. I have been going to church and Bible class before church the most regularly that I have been since "the revelation". I don't agree with everyone there about some things, and I let them know it (sometimes). But there is this bigger thing that I don't talk about: what if all of this isn't what we think that it is?
And then there is the side of me that wants to run as fast as I can back to how I believed before I was married - 17 years ago. I read my Bible and journaled my prayers and conversation with God almost every day. I believed that God had a plan for my life, that he heard my prayers, cared, and answered them sometimes. If he didn't, that only meant that he had a better idea. I felt safe.
I went to a funeral a month ago for the mother of a co-worker. The family was distraught, but knew that they would see their mother . . . aunt . . . friend again one day. I cried at that funeral - because I wanted to believe like that too. But I just couldn't.
Anyway, that is where I am right now -- which really is no place :)
A side note for my blog-friends:
I have been blog shy for the last three months. We seem to be still in a holding pattern. Eddy is very depressed. I am trying to be my self. Work is good, and that is holding me together right now. I hardly talk to my family. I don't know if that is good or bad. I have been going through an "Am I gay too?" phase. Eddy doesn't think that it is a phase. Right now it is the least of my concerns, I guess.
B
Labels: doubting faith
posted by Heidi at
11:02 PM
3 Comments:
{{{{{{huge hugs}}}}}}
I have been reading your blog for a few years now and have commented a couple times (even made subject of a topic on your husband's blog!). Whether or not you are still a believer, just know that there are those who are praying for you- to have strength, grace, and courage through all of this situation. Hopefully I don't sound "stalker-ish"- it's just when you read someone's blog on a consistent basis and they are as brutally honest as you have been, you start to feel like you know them a little bit.
I am praying for your husband too- his earliest posts show a lot of the pain that is probably still there, but isn't talked about as much as it was in early 2006.
I truly hope that the 2 of you can come to a mutual decision of what to do and how to handle everything so you both get to be yourselves- apart or together- however you see fit.
Cheryl, Thank you for your very kind words. I just looked through Eddy's blog and reread your headliner post. I completely "get" what you were saying and appreciate what you said.
Do you have an active blog? You should - you write well.
B
WOW! Look at you beautiful! Nice updated blog look, seems sort of fitting. And sooooo sooooo soooooo good to see you. I have missed you, something awful. Thanks for the update, and sometimes no 'news' is just fine. Thinking of you, smiling, and so happy to see you back.
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