gay husbands tell all
Survey question of the day for all of you gay husbands in straight marriages.
For one reason or another, despite your sexual attraction to men, you married a woman. Why?
(Just looking for honest, direct answers. I want to get a clearer picture of this phenemonen. I am not trying to point fingers. Please feel free to remain anonymous.)
Labels: the gay thing
posted by Heidi at
10:13 AM
11 Comments:
I got married because I genuinely loved my wife. I thought that love would conquer all.
I had also been advised by my pastor that all I had to do was to become involved with a woman, have a good roll in the hay with her, and I would find that I wasn't gay at all.
I was sure that I could change. I was willing to do whatever was necessary to effect this change. It was only after many years of marriage and seasons of prayer.....having demons cast out of me......going the exgay route through Homosexual's Anonymous....years of repression....guilt.....suicidal thoughts....that I just decided I needed to accept myself.
Sadly, after nearly 25 years of marriage, my wife decided to divorce me. In our case, she was the minister, not I.
So, here am I. A product of the ex gay groups....the fundamentalist flock.
Alone.
You want the whole answer in a "comments" section? Hmmmm..
From the mind of a 21 year old in 1981..
1.) I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
2.) I was sexually attracted to her.
3.) I was in love with her.
4.) We had an emotional connection...and she "completed" me, my thoughts and dreams.
5.) She is one of the only women I met that I could imagine spending the rest of my life with....and waking up to every day/morning.
6.) She loved me.
7.) She made me happy, made me laugh, challenged me, could see inside of me, and put up with my vices.
8.) I imagined a sex life that was so satisfying, that I would never want another man or woman.
9.) I wanted children, grandchildren and a full family life.
10.) I thought this was the woman God had put into my life.
The answers are not much different than any married guy would answer, right?
Are you sure you don't want to rephrase the question?
I will add one more thing....as I sense you are looking for more...
In 1981, I could not see how I could *live* a life as a "gay man". While I DID know that gay sex existed, I never knew how I could live a "life" as a gay male. There were no good role models around that I could look to and say "Yeah, that's the kind of life I would enjoy".
Gay life to me only consisted of drag queens, effeminate men, bars, pornography, etc....but not a "life".
Living as a gay man looked like it would be an incredibly lonely life with limited family, friends, and being shunned by society as a pervert.
Would you choose that?
Or live a nice full normal life with family, kids, granchildren, big Christmas's. etc.
Is there really a choice?
Hey Bea...
I've been reading you for a while, appreciating you so much.
Most of what Anonymous said resonated with where I was at in 1984.
The pieces added to the puzzle in my case included:
First, I knew I was somewhat bi, and that making a life-long commitment to anyone meant making a choice. I had hoped, in the back of my mind, to develop safe space between us to talk about the fact that I was an other-than-100%-straight guy firmly committed to monogamy.
The flaws in this thinking were that (a) it was not fair to hide this during the courtship, (b) I was deluding myself, desperately hoping to be a Kinsey 1 or 2 instead of a 4 or 5, (c) my attractions were solely about sex (not affection or companionship), and (d) events early in the marriage told me (accurately, as it turned out) there would be no safe space for discussion.
Secondly, the early portion of our 7-month engagement was a period in which I was wrestling mightily with God. "Why would you give me such an incredible person and deep hope for this relationship, and yet also such questions and fears about also being attracted to guys?" was central to my prayers, and my anguish. Over a few weeks time, though, I believed I'd been given an answer: "Just Trust."
And, even when we hit bumps in the road during the remaining months of the engagement, when things got stressy or messy, I had a sense of peace and trust that God was with us.
In retrospect, God must have been challenging me to trust, but I refused to consider that he was asking more -- that I would trust that my life would be OK if I talked my questions and issues out with at least one living, breathing, thinking person -- instead of waiting another 9 years to speak/do anything about/with my questions and attractions.
While I had no intent or desire to deceive or hurt someone, especially my spouse, coming out helped me learn how flawed I am, how good intentions and best efforts don't always prevent me from being the agent of harm.
(I've gone a bit beyond the scope of your question, but it's been important to my journey to reconcile with some of the dark and difficult stuff regarding the choices I've made.)
Take care...
See all of the above
Plus
It isn't a big part of my life. When we were married it wasn't part of my life at all. I knew I had attractions to men that weren't purely straight, but at that point it was nothign at all.
I fell in love with a gorgeous, fantastic, kind and funny woman with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life and have lovely children.
I have the lovely children, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. Alas I don't get to make that decision any more though
While I had been playing for both teams for about five years. I NEVER imagined myself living as a gay man. (This was 1980, gays were very much still the subject of massive discrimination and hatred.) Since childhood, I had always dreamed of my cute wife, cute kids and the cute house in the suburbs.
When my wife and I met, I was immediately attracted to her. Pretty, self-confident, well-educated. We actually met in church. Plus the sex was great.
She fit my dream.
We're still married. And I still want the dream.
I concur with the above comments.
When my wife and I were dating, I confessed to her about a gay encounter 10 years earlier. We both were very active in the church and our faith at the time. It was 1992 when we got married. On our first anniversary, we went to Disney World the same weekend as Gay Days there. I've never felt so uncomfortable being with my wife as I was that day.
This issue has never been addressed between my wife and I. Honestly, I think she is in denial. Coming from a conservative Christian background, gay/lesbian issues are viewed as "sinful" and should be repented of. You won't find us watching "Will and Grace" or renting "Brokeback Mountain" anytime soon. We used to watch "Dawson's Creek" where they had an episode of a gay character that came out to his father. The emotional pain it caused was evident of the father-son rift. In my mind, I want to say, "That's me!" but I refrained.
It's the proverbial chicken vs the egg theory: Has the media and society made it easier to address gay/bi issues or were these the vehicles to perpetuate the subject?
It is complicated to say the least. Most of us married guys don't even understand what we are going through.
I can probably be safe to say that Eddy probably has no intention to deliberately hurt you. My own wife was the victim of a sexual assault. God knows she doesn't need any additional hurts in her life. Us married men might have "issues" but most are probably very caring to their wives and kids.
Hope this helps.......
Anonymous (1) put it perfectly. Substitute 22 and 1987, and I can echo everything he wrote. When you have no real understanding of your own sexuality -- you are never able to talk about it with anyone -- and you want desperately to have a "normal" life and be approved of by your family and friends, you imagine that the feelings you bury so deeply are just a phase, or a character defect that you will work on and overcome. Your only options are being married to a woman with whom you have a wonderful, deep relationship and being single and lonely. Not a difficult choice.
Like everyone else, I am a product of believing the lie that Jesus supposedly had a cure for my sexual orientation. I went into it with all my heart and efforts, giving Jesus a fair shot, but in the end, he failed me miserably.
I would never willingly have wanted to dragged someone else down this road with me, and that’s probably the biggest regret I have – that I gave myself to Christianity in such a way. Unlike most of you, I am no longer a Christian, so I probably don’t have to deal with some of the issues you have to.
But, we are best friends still. We joke about being Will & Grace. My wife left enormous room for my hurt as well, and she is the most incredible human being I know. She forgave as completely as she loved. We chat about the boyfriends we date, and we resolved to be a key part in each others lives going forward
And so, we are learning to live our new lives, and within the next six months to a year, our divorce will be final. We decided to split up, because we both wanted the other person not to live half a life. We don’t have kids, but I imagine it would have been tougher with that in the mix, and we may have come to a different compromise.
All the best to everyone as you find your own peace dealing with this monster. You are in my thoughts, and you all have a very soft spot in my heart.
:-)
Bea:
If you have been back "At Sea" at all, you know my answer to your question. Let me just say that Anonymous #1 [a phrase I could never before imagined the need to use...] said it all.
Love may conquer all, but even love has its limits, and even the most forgiving and loving people have theirs.
I work my own salvation out in fear and trembling, and the cost to others is what I fear and tremble about. To hell with me.
Yr Troll
Found this blog in a link, and I thought I'd share since it's applicable. I married my wife because I love her deeply, I feel that it's what God wants me to do, and I'm positive it will be the thing that brings me happiness in this life. Kind of trite-sounding, I know, but the English language only goes so far. Furthermore, I've gone into my marriage understanding completely the state of my homosexuality. I'm not waiting for some cure-all, and I don't anticipate that my sexual orientation will change. I married my wife in spite of, not as an attempt to hide from nor alter my homosexuality, and did so fully understanding what I'm giving up. I love her, I love my daughter, and I think the sacrifice is worth it.
I know I'm coming to this rather late, but I'd like to answer.
I fell for my wife because:
I was lonely.
I'd been treated very badly by a man I really loved -- he just didn't love me back.
All my friends agreed that all men are dogs, and that I shouldn't expect much better.
There were very few prospects for a better relationship with a man.
I could talk to her.
She was an excellent mother to my daughter.
We seemed to fit together, and we were very truly and honestly in love for a time.
All that seemed like enough.
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