where am i?

can't believe it's been three years since i last posted here! and seven years since i started this blog! life isn't perfect, but it's not the roller-coaster that it was. grief lingers, but is not all-consuming. we are still good friends and talk almost every day. although our marriage did not survive, we are still here. obviously, i haven't been around - but you can find me here: http://breakingupwithjesus.wordpress.com/ hope to see some of you!

moved out

moved out

in august

no one (from his church)

has figured it out

yet

that i know of

serves them right

two weeks until it's final

feels like i'm ripping in two

and somehow it feels better

i commented on his last post

but he deleted it

whatever

nobody

i just asked if i could get him anything and he says, "a gun, so i can shoot myself. i just f#$&#*g want to die. nobody cares."

i guess that makes me nobody.

i'm glad that i know better :)

how long can i live like this?

Anginae Has Me Thinking About Sex With A Gay Man

I've always thought about sex as being with the person that I love. I am attracted to my husband sexually mostly because I love him as a person, not because of his physical attributes. He is the man who I married and who I love. To me, he is sexy. 

I have never understood one night stands, anonymous sex, casual sex or whatever.  I think it would depress me.  Maybe not. Maybe I should be more open-minded and consider the possibility that sex is never meaningless. Maybe I shouldn't knock it until I've tried it.

 

In bed, my husband has been pretty good about making it good for me. I knew he would be that way. I knew other guys (the straight ones) that I dated wouldn't be. It was part of my conscious decision to choose him for a husband. It is part of why we are still together. What I didn't notice until later, was that he wasn't/isn't desirous of me. He doesn't "want" me the same way that I "want" him. I don't think he ever has really, not with any kind of intensity.

 

I am one of the lemmings who have read the Twilight Series. My friends have pondered over its mass appeal, but to me it is obvious. I want to be wanted like Edward wants Bella. I want to be delicious to someone. I want the kind of protection that would inspire.

 

If the lust in a relationship is one sided, what does that do for power balance in the relationship? If I think about that too hard, I feel rage - and shame - like I've been duped. Lately, I have been asking myself. What is more important to me? being with someone who I love/want? or being with someone who loves/wants me? Ideally, of course, it would be both. Maybe the real question, then is do I want to be with someone who doesn't physically want me like I want him?

 

I don't know. 

sleeping with a gay man

Months ago . . . 

Eddy had a headache as we were going to bed and said, "I wish that someone would take my brains out."

Trying to be funny, I replied, "You wish that someone would f--- your brains out?"

And he said, "No. No one wants to do that."

And I realized (once again). . . I am "No one" . . . at least to him sexually.

And I never said anything . . . because it is what is . . . and because he didn't mean it as personally as I am taking it . . . and because . . . he is depressed enough already.

ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble . . .

I can't sleep! I hate hate hate when this happens. I have the next few days off and a book deadline looming and am looking forward to the holiday weekend. I have a 9:00 a.m. therapy appt. tomorrow morning - this morning actually, I guess. I am planning to really, actually go in there and quit. Have you ever noticed that "therapist" is spelled the same as "the rapist"? Eddy's therapist is making him take a two week break from therapy, which doesn't seem to be helping his severe depression. I don't know what is really going on there . . . what the heck? I feel a little bit manic when I can't sleep like this. I really think that I could sit up all night and not sleep a wink. I am so tired of thinking about everything . . . Does anyone want to buy a used Volvo? I bought this used Volvo after my horrific accident and have put 3k into it over the last five months. . . and now it is smelling hot after I drive it and the fans or something don't sound "right," so I should probably take it in, but really, really, really don't want to. I want to take it back to the used car salesman that I was silly enough to buy it from. Yes, I bought it "as is" but . . . this is ridiculous. . . . And gas prices keep going up! I have a 64 mile/day commute. . . And I keep swinging from I could never leave Eddy to I can't not leave Eddy. And I start to pray about all of it, and I am so full of doubt, but completely grief-stricken at the thought of losing God. How can I not believe??? And why is there no one for me to trust let alone lean on for a minute? just a minute? Okay - 3 a.m. is my absolute limit, so I am going to try to sleep now.

i am invisible
to him
and maybe everyone

Death and Taxes

I am such a fickle blogger. : ) And everyone is so nice about it.

This has been yet another tumultous month or two.

In February I hit a patch of black ice on my way to work and rolled my car over the median on to the other side of the major freeway that I was unfortunate enough to be driving on. Fortunately, the man headed toward me swerved out of the way. Unfortunately, he also rolled his car over and in to another car. And we all lived. I spent the day in the ER and got a ton of stitches in my scalp and missed almost two weeks of work, in which you'd think I'd have blogged but . . . . Oh well.

One of the first things that I thought once the car had stopped and I realized that I was conscious and alive was that I was glad that I had a husband to call. A really nice lady called him for me and he beat me to the hospital by about twenty minutes. The night before I had a long conversation with my Mom about the possibility of separating from Eddy. Part of me thinks that God let the accident happen, so I would think twice about it. I don't really think that - but the bad religion that I was raised with takes my mind there. Fundamentalism is really awful.

Taxes are around the corner - we are filing separately for the second year in a row. I always think about separation in March and April. It is like I am on this cycle . . . .

I don't want to separate. I don't know what I want.

I hate that.