dizzy

. . . and just as the merry-go-round was rounding the corner to "everything's relatively okay - our marriage isn't perfect, but i really love you - let's hang on" eddy read my last post - and got really really angry

it was the 2-and-a-half-year reference - which he interpreted as "she's not okay that i am gay - what else is she not telling me" or something like that

i can see how it read it that way - but that is not what i meant - everything has been soooo uber-emotional since he cracked that closet door open

and

he's tired of me and his therapist telling him to accept himself.

okay . . . truce

we are both on edge

i had a complete melt-down last night as he told me that no one has ever accepted him . . . what about ME? my fantasy has been to be so nice as to make up for all of the hurts from his past - and logically . . . he has been with me longer than his family, so what is the problem? (i know that it doesn't work that way) until i said something, i was so angry that i was dizzy - it was kind of freaking me out

we are both crazy on edge

but we are both not used to being open about our emotions with each other - we went for actual years without fighting for the first few years of our marriage - i'm not exaggerating - i don't like to fight - what is the point? maybe i should just go back to that - or not.

anyway

Bea

blogger's block

i think that it has been four times now that i have told eddy that i can't live this way any more and that we need to plan a way to live separately

this morning was one of those times

i am afraid that i will backpeddle - again

about a month ago i told him that i felt more optimistic about us than i had since he came out to me - he reminded me of this this morning - i didn't tell him, but i had completely forgotten - what is up with that? i remember it now. it was predicated by my deciding to not obsess on making a decision, and by my having pulled away from him the month before.

i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of watching us die.

i'm ready for the end to end and the beginning to begin.

mostly i'm tired. the thought of dividing a household, moving . . . is exhausting, but so is the thought of being on the same merry-go-round 2 and a half years from now.

bea